Review: WOLF MAN

    We're in the January doldrums for movies, the vast, desert landscape where only B-movies, bad movies, and lesser movies come out. That, plus the Oscar hopefuls finally arrive in more places than one or two theaters in New York and L.A. I'm not exactly sure why the "big" movies only come out in the summer and Fall. I'm guessing it's because Hollywood never seemed to make money in January and February with new releases. When a lot of the country is in a deep freeze, though, wouldn't you think they'd want to release some blockbusters? After all, you can't really go outside and do anything, plus the sun sets at 5 PM every day. Wouldn't it make sense that more people would want to go to the movies? We'll never know these days, as the theaters are bereft of anything worth going to see. There have been big movies that have arrived in January and February of course, but they're few and far between and usually movies that have surprised at the box office. The #1 movie opening of all time for January is American Sniper, and that was an out-of-left-field blockbuster. The top 3 openings of all time for February are all Marvel films, but all Marvel films with superheroes that aren't the big ones: Black Panther, Deadpool, and Ant-Man. 

    The biggest movie that's coming out in January or February this year is Captain America: Brave New World. That's a big time film in the sense that's in a Marvel movie, it cost over $300 million to make, and it stars a real movie star, Harrison Ford. It's not a Batman or Spider-Man movie, though, and it features a fairly new, untested Captain America. 

    Besides that, we're pretty much left with the usual trash to clutter movie theaters. Rising out of the stink, at least on paper, is Wolf Man. Leigh Whannell co-created the Saw franchise and the Insidious franchise. He's one of the go-to-guys for making money at the box office with scary movies. Right before the pandemic shut everything down, he had a hit with critics and at the box office with The Invisible Man, his modern take on the classic H.G. Wells story that starred Elisabeth Moss. Apparently he's going to run through making modern takes on all of the classic monsters, as he's back co-writing and directing Wolf Man.

    Obviously, there's a million werewolf movies out there. There was a movie just released called Werewolves that showed up in theaters with literally no TV commercials, fanfare, publicity, or idea of where it came from. You can go order it On Demand right now and probably have a blast because it's not that hard to make a fun, scary, entertaining werewolf flick. 

    The best of the bunch is An American Werewolf in London, but the Lon Cheney original is great and I loved the The Wolfman that starred Benicio Del Toro (granted, nobody else loved that Benicio one). This new one is a modern/realistic take on the classic beast. There's no silver bullets. The wolf man mostly stands on two legs like a person, isn't covered in fur, and doesn't have a snout. There's no shots of a full moon. Actually, this is kind of like that non-zombie movie, 28 Days Later, where it was definitely a zombie movie but actually it wasn't, it was just a virus that made people crazy. Wolf Man isn't exactly a werewolf movie; if you get bit and change, you basically just turn into a crazy person with rabies. 

    The beginning of the film is pretty great. Christopher Abbot is the star. He's fantastic in pretty much everything because he's good at playing a regular, loveable guy. That makes it easy for the audience to identify with his character no matter what he's doing. And the prologue features him as a boy (played by Zac Chandler) going hunting with his domineering, oft-kilter father. They're hunting deer but soon get startled by someone or something in the woods. They get chased up into one of those tree stands where the menacing thing is about to attack but retreats suddenly. Later on, the boy hears his father on the CB radio talking to someone and mentions that he's seen "it" and that "it's real." 

    Cut to years later and Abbot's character, Blake, is a grown man in the city with a wife, Julia Garner, and a daughter, Matilda Firth. We find out that Blake's dad went missing in the woods and was pronounced dead. Blake has to go head back to the Oregon wilderness where his dad lived and clean the place out. This sets up the typical cabin-in-the-woods setting where all hell is about to break loose.

    There is action in Wolf Man and there is some good suspense. Leigh Whannell, who's been around the block with creating jump scares and tension, is definitely a master at this. There are problems, though. First off, there isn't much to this movie. At 90 minutes, there's not a lot of plot or characters or even dialogue. And usually when watching a werewolf movie you want to see the transformation. Will it be gnarly? Gruesome? Just silly, fake-looking special f/x? But this isn't really a werewolf movie. Besides growing some fangs and having his hair fall out, the wolf is more man. If you can get over that, the movie is at least entertaining. The majority of it takes place in one night, so not a lot happens. The movie starts well enough and has a few exciting sequences like the truck crash. I did love the windshield wiper reveal shot and the bloody bear trap scene. Both very cool moments in an otherwise average film.

    In the dead zone winter months for Hollywood, watching a fairly entertaining werewolf picture that's not great but at least watchable will pass the time until the big guns like the new Avatar, Jurassic Park, Mission: Impossible, and Superman movies come out later this year. It's something. **1/2

THE TOP 10 MOST ANTICIPATED FILMS OF 2025

1- TREY PARKER, MATT STONE & KENDRICK LAMAR SLAVERY MOVIE:  I heard about this a few years ago. The "South Park" guys were making a musical about slavery reparations. They last thing they made outside of "South Park" was "The Book of Mormon" on Broadway in 2011, so it's been a while. Kendrick Lamar stars as a slave re-enactor on a plantation that finds out his white girlfriend's family way back when owned his ancestors. Trey Parker is directing but, sadly, the "South Park" guys didn't write it. Vernon Chatman, who voices Towelie on "South Park" and has written for "South Park" and "The Chris Rock Show," wrote the script. I mean...this should be fucking bonkers.

2- PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON FILM: Anderson's last film, "Licorice Pizza," was one of his best. This new one he wrote & directed and stars Leonardo Dicaprio, Benicio Del Toro and Sean Penn. As usual, everything about it is a total secret. But he's one of the best directors working these days, so it should be great. 

3- JURASSIC WORLD: REBIRTH: Gareth Edwards directed this, and he's a visionary director that always makes great looking, interesting films. He made "Star Wars: Rogue One," "The Creator," and "Godzilla." Scarlett Johansson and Mahershala Ali star in this. David Koepp, the original "Jurassic Park" screenwriter wrote the script. Even though I didn't care for the last one, I love this franchise and with a great director and writer working on this one, it should be a fantastic summer popcorn flick.

4- SUPERMAN: I'll admit that the trailer doesn't make this look very good. Was it shot with a fish eye lens or something? And James Gunn usually makes stuff with a lot of comedy...can a Superman movie be a comedy? I guess we'll find out. Superman is played by a nobody, but Nicholas Hoult is Lex Luthor and "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" is Lois Lane. Gunn was put in charge of the new D.C. movie regime. I liked his "Guardians of the Galaxy" films better than his "Suicide Squad" one, but the "Peacemaker" TV show was entertaining as hell. It's really tough making a good Superman movie. Batman movies are simple to make. Spider-Man movies are simple to make. Superman is tricky. Can Gunn crack the code? Or will we get another silly comedy one like "Superman 3"?

5- FRANKENSTEIN: Guillermo Del Toro is making a Frankenstein movie. I love Del Toro...but, c'mon, is he out of ideas? I can't even remember the last movie he made. Was it that fish man movie that won all the Oscars (it wasn't...it was his pointless "Nightmare Alley" remake that was an ultra-bomb). He is a great gothic horror director, though, so this should look amazing at least. Christoph Walz and Mia Goth star in this. 

6- EDDINGTON: This is Ari Aster's latest. He's the thinking man's horror director. I liked "Midsommar" but didn't care much for his others. He's kind of like David Lynch, though, in that even if he doesn't always make great films they're at least interesting enough to want to see what he's up to next. This one takes place in New Mexico during the pandemic when at night the small town turns evil or something. Joaquin Phoenix plays a sheriff and Emma Stone, Pedro Pascal, and Austin Butler also star. 

7- 28 YEARS LATER: I still remember going to see "28 Days Later" in theaters and how awesome it was. Granted, director Danny Boyle hasn't made a good movie in years, though, and I'm still trying to forget he made a "Trainspotting" sequel. Why, oh, why did you do that? Writer Alex Garland is back, though, and he's still at the top of his game ("Civil War" was great). Cillian Murphy is also back. What...he's still battling zombies 28 years later? Ralph Fiennes and Jodie Comer also star. The trailer makes it look fantastic and brutal as hell.  

8- MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE: THE FINAL RECKONING: What is this, like part 10 or something? The last one was super entertaining, though, and these are always fun. It was obvious in the last one that they just come up with action sequences before writing a script around them. Who cares, though? The usual actors are all back. Considering they've made so many of these, what action sequences are even left to do? I think the trailer had Tom Cruise riding a horse. Maybe he jumps onto a helicopter from a horse or something absurd.

 

9- PREDATOR: BADLANDS: This is a new Predator film from the director of the last one, "Prey," that was awesome but went straight to Hulu so barely anyone knows it exists. Elle Fanning stars. This is the 6th Predator. Does that include those bad Alien vs. Predator movies? Who won? The aliens or the predator? Or was it a draw like Kong vs. Godzilla? Dan Trachenberg directed this, and if it's anything as good as "Prey" was it'll be killer.

10- THE RUNNING MAN: The original Schwarzenegger film might be terrible if I watched it now, but I remember loving it when I watched it multiple times as a kid. The only reason I'm curious about this is because Edgar Wright directed this. While he hasn't made a great film in a while, his "Shaun of the Dead," "Hot Fuzz," and "The World's End" trilogy is legendary. Glen Powell, the new 'it' Hollywood star, is in this, as is Josh Brolin, who IMDB says plays "ruthless producer." I probably should go read the Stephen King story. I always hear that the ending to that has a plane flying into a building like 9/11. I'm guessing this movie won't retain that original ending. 

THE TOP 10 MOST ANTICIPATED FILMS OF 2024 REVISITED

 1- MICKEY 17: This film was postponed until March 2025. That's not a good omen, as they filmed it in 2022 and blamed the actors and writers strike for the postponement. Usually a movie coming out so long after it was filmed is because of bad audience scores and reshoots. The trailers at least make it look like a fun, wild film. 

2- NOSFERATU: This just came out last week on Christmas day and I haven't seen it yet. It got mostly positive reviews but everyone seemed to say it's good but not great nor anything particularly special.

3- FURIOSA: I did a short review of this. ***

4- JOKER: FOLIE A DEUX: This might be the worst movie I've ever seen. Most people online have said the same thing about it: it feels like they made a bad movie on purpose. And then most of the Hollywood industry folk have said that they didn't do that, that makes no sense. Go watch it and you'll agree, though. How on Earth could they have seriously made a movie this bad and not on purpose? It's literally a 'fuck you' to any fans that enjoyed the first film. They put Lady Gaga in it and then only have these terrible, whispered song sequences. Then they kill off the main character at the end on a dour, miserable end note to make you contemplate why you wasted time watching it. -No Stars-

5- ALIEN: ROMULUS: This film is pretty good until the God-awful, silly ending when a half human, half alien is born. The rest is suspenseful and looks cool. **1/2

6- HIT MAN: I did a short review of this. **1/2

7- CIVIL WAR: Really good movie, one of the best of the year. It's funny, because it got good reviews and was talked about a lot when it came out but now during Awards season it's seemingly been forgotten. Maybe it was just too harsh and cruel. After all, the President of the United States gets his brains blown out at the end. ***1/2

8- CHALLENGERS: I haven't seen everything yet, but this was my favorite movie of the year. It's just so entertaining and watchable and fresh and alive. Plus, the score by Atticus Ross and Trent Reznor is awesome. I'm not an outlier, either, as Variety's Owen Gleiberman named this the best movie of the year. ***1/2

9- DRIVE-AWAY DOLLS: This was a terrible film. Margaret Qualley, who is great in The Substance, attempts this ultra-bad Southern accent that is so ridiculous and stupid it ruins everything. Only Ethan Coen made this, but both Coen brothers haven't made anything remotely good in years which is really sad. 1/2*

10- GLADIATOR 2: Reviewed. **1/2

Review: WICKED

       In 1906, Chester Gillette killed his 20 year old pregnant girlfriend, Grace Brown, by hitting her over the head with an oar or a tennis racket on a boat, knocking her into Big Moose Lake, New York, where she drowned. Chester was found guilty for the murder and was sentenced to death in the electric chair. This was such a sensational case that Theodore Dreiser wrote a fictionalized version of it in An American Tragedy in 1925. The crazy thing about the novel is that after reading it you actually feel sympathy for Clyde Griffiths, the fictionalized Chester Gillette character. Sympathy for a cold-blooded murderer...who killed his pregnant girlfriend? Blasphemy! But it's true. The idea behind the novel Wicked, written by Gregory Maguire and published in 1995, takes a similar tack; find an infamous villain, and try to make sense out of the evil behind the villainous acts. Nurture vs. nature. How does evil start? Was the Wicked Witch of the West always an evil, nefarious bitch? Or did something set her off? Was she, gulp, once good? Can we actually find sympathy in an evil witch?

    Wicked was eventually turned into a hugely successful Broadway musical in 2003, and now, finally, 21 years later, Part 1 of the movie version has come out. 

    The basic premise of the film is we go through the history of Elphaba, the Wicked Witch, and Galinda, who eventually turns out to be Glinda the Good Witch. The film starts with Elphaba, played by Cynthia Erivo, as a child, and then eventually she heads to a school not unlike Hogwarts. This is where she meets Galinda, played by Ariana Grande. I suppose if you loved the Harry Potter book or movie scenes at Hogwarts, you might be intrigued by this candy-colored school filled with talking animals and a magic teacher. Unfortunately, none of the school sequences are interesting, fresh, or exciting. I think even Universal, that made the movie, realized this, because the last TV commercial I saw only featured scenes from the end of the film, when the Wicked and Good Witch finally meet the Wizard of Oz and belt out the famous song, "Defying Gravity." Maybe Universal thinks everyone saw the musical and already knows the story, because that short commercial literally gives away the movie's ending and shows the final scene. 

    Wicked the musical is still not on TKTS TKTS, the discount Broadway ticket booth in Times Square, which means it's still a show that sells out 21 years later. When it opened, it had famous stars like Idina Menzel, Joel Grey, and Kristen Chenoweth. Plus everyone loves The Wizard of Oz, the most famous movie ever made. And, of course, family friendly shows like The Lion King and Wicked seem to last forever on Broadway. But is the Broadway musical better than the film? Because the film is a colorful, glossy mess.

    The big problem with the film is that it was filmed entirely on green screen sets. That means it looks more like a cartoon or video game than a film. Any kind of magical wonder or awe is completely lost in this special f/x overload. The other problem is that for a musical, there aren't any great dance scenes or great songs. Maybe on Broadway they came up with some good dance sequences, and perhaps seeing real actors belt out songs right in front of you is a better experience, but where are the ear worm songs? The catchy songs you can't get out of your head? All of the songs in this are mediocre and forgettable and everything just sounds like old, has-been 1950's show tunes. Granted, 2003 was before Hamilton, when finally a popular Broadway musical sounded different than something like Carousel. But even Stephen Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote musicals decades ago that didn't sound like they were stuck in old-school amber. 

    The big, famous song in the film (which, granted, is only Part 1, so maybe the second half features amazing song and dance scenes) is "Defying Gravity." Menzel and Chenoweth sang this on the Tony's the night Wicked won everything, so it must be the supposed "best" song in the show. While it's certainly a cathartic tune and a moment when the film finally gets going, it's not a particularly great song. It's decent. It also has the same problem a lot of the songs have; too many of the lyrics don't rhyme. Stephen Schwartz wrote the lyrics for the show. He's mostly known for writing the music for the Disney musicals that don't have good songs; Pocahontas and The Hunchback of Notre Dame. He also did music for The Prince of Egypt and Godspell. There's a good reason that Sondheim is famously a great writer of Broadway musicals and a master lyricist: he knows how to rhyme! Too many of the songs in Wicked are just lazily using people talking as a song. 'Defying' and 'Gravity' don't rhyme, plus they're two awkward words together. Making a celebrity sing it with instruments swelling in the background might make it sound halfway decent, but it doesn't make it good.

    Finally, after two plus hours at Hogwarts-lite, the main characters go to Oz and meet Jeff Goldblum, who plays the Wizard of Oz. And finally, the film comes to life. The ending is at least entertaining. Goldblum is great in this, as is Ariana Grande, who was born to be in a Broadway musical. Jonathan Bailey, as the new, rebel punk at school, Fiyero, is amusing. Michelle Yeoh, as the wizard teacher, seems to either be miscast or just out of her depth. Erivo, as Elphaba, is fine, although I'm baffled at all of the critics falling over saying how great she is in this. And while the story is just a take on The Wizard of Oz, I did like the fascist plot involving imprisoning talking animals. That's at least intriguing and something new.

    Early on the movie throws too much at you, there's too much going on. And when it finally settles into being a typical, school dramedy, it's same-old, been-there-done-that. When we get to the bread-and-butter, Wizard of Oz/Witch turns wicked by the end, the film becomes an entertainment, pop spectacle that's at least easy to watch. How on earth a 2 and half hour Broadway musical became a two part, 5 and a half hour film is beyond me, though. And in the end, the critics of the novel Wicked were right. Michiko Kakutani said of the book that Maguire "shows little respect for Baum's original story." So the Wicked Witch of the West, a green-skinned villain hell-bent on terrorizing a cute farm girl and her friends for no good reason, was really just a quiet, nice nerd contaminated and turned by the evils of society? Now that's even more far-fetched than a tornado that takes you to Munchkin land. **

    

    

    

Review: GLADIATOR 2

 

    The first Gladiator movie came out in 2000. Gladiator 2 just came out, 24 years later. Usually that would seem like a ridiculously long time for a sequel to come out, but thanks to streaming and "Peak TV," it seems like everything is continuing on years later. 

    I can't even remember everything that's been dusted off and returned, sometimes decades later, but it does seem like everything. I couldn't even fathom, years ago, that we'd ever see a new season of Twin Peaks, another go-around of The Dark Crystal, a new Willow, or a new Evil Dead. Those shows and movies seemed destined to be in the history bin, yet they returned, decades later. And those are just the ones I actually was fans of back in the day. There's been a new Karate Kid, a new Beetlejuice, a new Roseanne, a new Full House, a new Frasier. Is nothing sacred? It's actually getting ridiculous. Gladiator actually won the Oscar for Best Picture, and seems to be a popular movie, so it never really disappeared out of people's minds. The only reason it seemed to be that they never made a sequel earlier was because the main character, played by Russell Crowe, died in the movie. They couldn't really make a sequel unless it starred his ghost or other characters, and a prequel wouldn't make sense because he wasn't a gladiator yet. 24 years later they've finally found a solution by having Russell Crowe's character's son be the new gladiator. 

    The last time I actually watched the original Gladiator was probably in theaters in May of 2000. Considering it was named Best Picture at the Oscars, you'd expect that it was some great, dramatic, suspenseful, awesome film. It wasn't. The sequel isn't, either, although the action scenes and battle scenes are entertaining and exciting. 

    The basic plot has Paul Mescal playing Russell Crowe's son. He was sent away from Rome and is now married and living in North Africa. The Roman army shows up, led by Pedro Pascal, and there's a gigantic battle. Paul Mescal ends up a slave and is bought by Denzel Washington's character, who plays a seedy political player that has eyes on the Roman throne. Mescal becomes a gladiator in the Coloseeum and the rest is history.

    While there is no chariot race in this movie, everything else is pretty much what you expect. They've decided that everyone has attention deficit disorder now, so every battle is somewhat different. Mescal has to fight CGI monkeys in one battle. Another features a guy riding a rhino. There's a boat battle on a flooded Coloseeum. All of them are at least exciting to watch. The problem is when there is no action going on. Denzel Washington seems to be having a good time playing an Iago-like villain, manipulating everyone for his own good, but he doesn't really become the big bad until the end. Pedro Pascal doesn't have much to do in this film, and his wife, who is apparently Paul Mescal's secret mother, has a storyline that isn't all that interesting. The rulers of Rome in this film are two brothers who are more zany and goofy than threatening, thus negating any kind of hero/villain drama much needed for most of the film.   

    Gladiator 2 plays out exactly how you expect. There's the rousing gladiator speech at the end, the bloodthirsty Colosseum crowds that soon side with the gladiator, the Roman crowds walking around in white togas, the dungeons below the Colosseum filled with shadows and chains. 

    If you're looking for something fresh, amazing, new, and masterful, this movie certainly isn't it, but it gives you what you want; heads being lopped off, arrows through chests, knives in necks, arm to arm combat, knife to knife combat, sword to sword combat.

    Russell Crowe was a real movie star, mostly meaning he was famous and well known. Paul Mescal is a good actor but I doubt the majority of people even know who he is. That's a bit of a problem since he doesn't have that presence of big time movie star in a film that's big as life and super expensive. He pretty much gets swallowed up by it and falls into Denzel's shadow. 

    While the action sequences are good, this film pretty much falls into the same trap that all these re-boots and sequels decades later fall into; it's cool that they're back, we're all excited and glad to see them again but, honestly, they never turn out to be excellent, so what's the point? **1/2

SUMMER 2024

It's two days after Labor Day, so the summer is unofficially over. School starts, football starts, the weather gets cooler, the sun starts to set earlier, and soon the big Fall movies will premiere. It's time to look forward to Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice and Joker 2 and Gladiator 2 and Moana 2 and...Jesus Christ, does Hollywood only do sequels? And it's also time to look back at the summer movies. I didn't see everything (Alien: Romulus was the #1 movie I was looking forward to but haven't seen it yet), but here's some short reviews of the summer movie season:

 

TURTLES ALL THE WAY DOWN (May 2): This was based on the last book written by John Green, who used to be this superstar, best selling YA author, but has disappeared off the face of the Earth. The book came out in 2017. That's not as bad as Gone Girl's author, Gillian Flynn, who's last book came out in 2012. Fame makes writers stop writing. I guess if you're rich, what's the point anymore? The book Turtles All the Way Down was pretty half-baked, and the movie is as well. The star, Isabela Merced, is fantastic in this, though. Movie's slight but watchable. The book still has one of my favorite lines ever, though: “Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like you just got off work from your job playing a ghoul at a haunted house, and now you're in a parking lot trying to score some meth.” And they didn't use that line in the movie! What the fuck? **1/2

 

THE FALL GUY (May 3): This movie was streaming On Demand 18 days after it premiered in theaters...which tells you how much of a bomb it was (it still made $180 million worldwide and $92 million U.S., so it's not like nobody went to see it). This was the unofficial first movie of the summer movie season, and usually they're, like, a big deal. Because of the writer's strike, though, Deadpool & Wolverine was moved from this date and opened in July. This movie is entertaining and fun, though I thought it'd be funnier because Ryan Gosling is in it. Emily Blunt is always great, and it's an easy watch. **1/2

 

UNFROSTED (May 3): This was Jerry Seinfeld's directorial debut. It's about Pop Tarts. I guess he's, like, bored these days? He should just do another season of Seinfeld. It's not like the other actors from that are busy. I haven't seen Kramer in 20 years. This movie is mildly entertaining but kind of just too dumb. And it's not even funny. *1/2

 

KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (May 10): I loved this movie. The story is great (it's, shockingly, the same exact story that Borderlands has), the special f/x are great, and it's engrossing. I'm an outlier, though, because I didn't even like the last trilogy of Ape films but liked this one, which was the exact opposite of pretty much everyone. ***1/2

 

THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 1 (May 17): Renny Harlin directed this. Dude, what cave has he been hiding in? He directed Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Cliffhanger, and Cutthroat Island. He used to be married to Gena Davis. Then he disappeared. I'm not sure how he ended up directing a slasher pic in 2024. This film is basically just the same as the other Strangers films. I'm not sure why exactly it exists, since it's nothing new (maybe Chapter 2 will be something new). I liked seeing Riverdale's Madelaine Petsch in this, and it's decent. A lot of critics noted that the Strangers are practically supernatural beings in this, able to appear behind someone and then magically disappear the next second. I guess that's suppose to be scary but it is ridiculous. **

 

FURIOSA: A MAD MAX STORY (May 24): It's good, just not as good as Fury Road. The big problem is that the earlier films didn't use mountains of special f/x, and this one did. Also there's no great action set pieces in this like there were in The Road Warrior and Fury Road. Chris Hemsworth is amusing but the star, Ana Taylor-Joy, doesn't even show up until like an hour into the movie and, honestly, is pretty bland. It's well made and better than most Hollywood pictures, though. ***

 

HIT MAN (May 24): The movie finally starts to get really good and then it ends. Maybe that's the problem. It's a breezy watch and pretty fun, though there's not much to it. Adria Arjona is great in this, and it is one of Linklater's better recent films. **1/2

 

ATLAS (May 24): Jennifer Lopez stars in this robot soldier future movie that went straight to Netflix. Yeah, I don't know why I watched this, either. 1/2*

 

UNDER PARIS (June 5): Killer sharks are in the Seine in Paris. The funniest thing about this movie is that the sharks win. I'm not even joking. *1/2

 

THE WATCHERS (June 7): M. Night Shyamalan's daughter, Ishana, wrote and directed this. I actually liked the book but the movie doesn't work for whatever reason. This movie was a total bomb at the box office for whatever reason (no big stars maybe?). The set-up is decent but it definitely falls on it's face by the end. **

 

THE BIKERIDERS (June 21): It definitely looks great. It's pretty boring, though, for the most part, although I enjoyed a lot of it. **1/2

 

KINDS OF KINDNESS (June 21): I really liked this movie. I did not like Yorgos Lanthimos' last two films, Poor Things and The Favourite, as much as this. That's probably because he worked with the same writer he's worked with on all of his other films except for the last two. This movie is long (2 hours and 45 minutes), probably why critics that saw it in theaters didn't like it. It's 3 different stories with the same cast in different roles. Each story is strange and weird but so strange and weird that it keeps your interest. The one problem is that each story is like a mystery with no solution. ***1/2

 

HORIZON: AN AMERICAN SAGA: CHAPTER 1 (June 28): I reviewed this. **

 

A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE (June 28): All I wanted to see was a monster movie, and what I got was a Hallmark movie. *

 

BEVERLY HILLS COP: AXEL F (July 3): This went straight to Netflix. I honestly don't even remember if the first two Beverly Hills Cop movies were any good, though I do remember the 3^rd film being bad. Eddie Murphy is really funny and entertaining, so it's kind of sad that he seems to be in a lot of bad movies. There are some entertaining action sequences in this, and Murphy is fun, but this isn't very good. **

 

MAXXXINE (July 5): I thought that this was the best movie of Ti West's XXX trilogy even though everyone thought the opposite. The set-up and first half are definitely better than the ending, but throughout it's a blast. It's definitely not scary at all, though, which is a little strange. Kevin Bacon is great as the slimy P.I. ***

 

LONGLEGS (July 12): This was a surprise hit at the box office. The first half hour or so is excellent. As is the premise and the cinematography. The giant problem is that Nicholas Cage's over-the-top zaniness doesn't fit with the rest of the film. And while the mystery is fantastic (how does a serial killer get families to kill themselves without him being there?), the solution is groan-inducingly bad. **

 

TWISTERS (July 19): It's strange seeing the stars of the great TV show Normal People ditching the indie movie world to star in Hollywood blockbusters. It's also kind of sad. Paul Mescal is in Gladiator 2 and Daisy Edgar-Jones is in this. I haven't watched the original Twister in years, but do remember liking it. This seems to be just a poor imitation. I don't think it helps that it starts off with death. We're supposed to be having a fun time at the movies with these popcorn films. **

 

DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE (July 26): I wasn't really looking forward to this because I find Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool to be annoying like Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn is...but I was entertained and it's a fun film. I really liked the story of this one and how they used the TV show Loki's (still the best of the Disney+ Marvel shows) purgatory in the time realm setting. There's probably too many scenes of Wolverine and Deadpool walking in slo-mo while an older pop song plays, but I think overkill is the theme in this. ***

 

TRAP (August 2): M. Night Shyamalan's movies all play out like unintentional comedies. In this, a serial killer is trapped at a concert with his daughter. I was dying laughing when every time he sees something and thinks: hmmm, maybe I can climb into that hole in the ground to escape. But the premise is a good one and, honestly, this is the best Shyamalan movie in years. It's engrossing because you're curious where it's going and how he's going to escape. And Josh Hartnett, last seen in The Faculty (probably), is awesome in this. Shyamalan doesn't have a twist at the end but does have a revelation that works. It's dumb but I liked it. ***

 

BORDERLANDS (August 9): This movie was an ultra-bomb at the box office and anyone that watched it hated it. I think that was obvious it would happen since they filmed it in 2021 and it just got released. The director of the last Deadpool movie was brought on to re-shoot it after Eli Roth left to go make Thanksgiving. The original screenwriter took his name off the movie and they used a psuedonym for him. I didn't even realize that Jack Black was the robot's voice until after I saw the movie. I guess that tells you something. Jamie Lee Curtis is good in this. That's about the only nice thing I can say. It's really a God awful mess. It's based on a video game series and everyone online says the games aren't even any good. 1/2*

Review: HORIZON: AN AMERICAN SAGA - CHAPTER 1

     Remember The Postman? It was Kevin Costner's post-apocalyptic film where he delivers mail (and hope) in a ravaged America. I did watch it way back in 1997 when it came out on VHS but don't remember much about it. I do remember thinking that it was pretty good until he became the postman. Considering the film is called The Postman, I'm guessing it wasn't very good (and it won Worst Actor, Worst Director, and Worst Film at the 1998 Razzie Awards). But it was definitely bold. It was a 3 hour film about a guy delivering mail. You'd either have to be super rich or a big movie star to get something with that tag line greenlit. And Kevin Costner was, back in the 90's, anyway, a big movie star. Field of Dreams, Dances With Wolves, JFK, The Bodyguard, Bull Durham, The Untouchables, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. The guy was, like, king of Blockbuster Video. They probably had a special section for his movies. But he wasn't just an actor. He famously went and directed and starred in Dances With Wolves and won the Oscar for Best Director (it also won the Oscar for Best Film). He went on to direct The Postman and Outer Range (a movie I didn't even know existed...what is it?). And while Waterworld seemed to be the apotheosis of box office gossip and an albatross around his neck way back when, he seemed to be doing pretty fine last year when he was making a cool $1.3 million per episode to star in the Yellowstone TV show that, at one point, was the highest rated show on cable. 

    Considering he could have just been an actor in Hollywood doing yearly movies for the rest of his life, but he chose to try directing movies that, let's face it, would probably never get made, he is, in a sense, a pretty bold dude. Granted, what's he going to lose if a movie like The Postman fails (it did)? His third house? His 7th car? 

    Which brings us to his latest bold maneuver, Horizon: An American Saga. Costner was pretty much forgotten in the 2000's and 2010's until he decided to do what every has-been actor does these days: try TV, since it's peak TV and Netflix rules and all of that, the movies are dead, etc. And Yellowstone was such a massive hit and made him so much money and he was, gulp, relevant again, he decided to dust off an old idea he had because he could actually make it. And, yeah, trying directing for the first time by making a 3 hour Pocohantas rip-off is pretty bold. Then following that up the second time directing with a 3 hour post-apocalyptic mailman movie is probably pushing it. But Horizon seems like Elon Musk trying to live on Mars in his lifetime nutjob realm. Costner's bold idea for Horizon was to make four movies, each one continuing to make up a 12 hour epic (presumably, as the first film is 3 hours). He would co-write, direct, and star in them all. And Chapter 1 would be released in theaters in June 2024 and Chapter 2 would be released in August 2024. This would happen while he's currently filming Chapter 3. 

    So how'd it all go? If you haven't read one of the various Hollywood online gossip/news sites in the last three months, not good. And considering Costner won a Razzie for Worst Actor multiple time in the 90's, it's safe to say that a lot of people really love hating on him for whatever reason. If you don't remember, Waterworld was mocked as being "Kevin's Gate" and "Fishtar" after the huge box office bombs Heaven's Gate and Ishtar. Before Waterworld even came out, all that anyone in the Hollywood press talked about was the ballooning budget, what a disaster, everything is on fire, the world is ending, it'll never break even. This seriously seemed to go on for years until the movie finally came out, was fairly entertaining, was the 9th highest grossing movie of 1995, and did, eventually, become profitable thanks to Blockbuster and TV rights and all of that. But for whatever reason, anyone writing about Hollywood fucking loves to mock, tease, deflate, tear down, and ream on Kevin Costner and his film budgets and box office receipts. Horizon has become the new Waterworld. And, unlike that film, Horizon seems to not become profitable. At least, not until Musk wakes up in his bed on Mars one day. And that's never happening.

    The budget for Horizon: An American Saga- Chapter 1 (what a mouthful) was supposedly $100 million. The big story is that Costner had to self-finance a lot of it, supposedly even having to lease land he owned in Malibu to do it. He did get New Line to put it in theaters, although, after Chapter 1 failed at the box office (it made $11 million in it's opening weekend and $27 million total domestic and $31 million total worldwide as of today, when it's already on demand on TV for $20), New Line decided not to release Chapter 2 in August, instead deciding to do something with it later on. 

    So the box office of Horizon is a failure. Everyone burn him at the stake! What I actually care about, and I think what movies like Heaven's Gate or, more recently, Killers of a Flower Moon, ultimately achieved, is that it doesn't really matter if, in the end, a good or even great film is a box office failure. The art could, eventually, rise up like a phoenix from the ashes of the naysayers and box office pundits and gossip rag hounds. 

    Horizon: An American Saga - Chapter 1 is, unfortunately, not that movie. Now, granted, maybe after I watch all four films and see the entire tale it may, possibly, probably not, though, be something more. But as a film, this first chapter is just okay, kind of boring, though it does have some great scenery and a few watchable sequences, namely the Indian attack on the Horizon settlement. The big problem is that, since this is a 3 hour film that's going to be continued into 3 more, presumably 3 hour films, there's a bunch of characters and storylines that don't really go anywhere yet. And the places they do go aren't exactly compelling. I will say that they got a few good actors that stand out. I could watch Sienna Miller and Dickinson's Ella Hunt stand around doing nothing and I'd be entertained. And it's always great seeing Luke Wilson. Kevin Costner on the other hand is awkwardly creepy in this considering he co-wrote and directed it and is playing a dude that ends up traveling with a pretty, blonde prostitute that's probably 30 years younger than him and willingly has sex with him for no money. 

    The story has a few various threads that can pretty much be summed up by Old West cliches. There's the town in the middle of nowhere that's attacked by Indians. There's the wagon train heading out west. There's the cowboy in a mining town with a whore house. There's gunfights. There's horse riding. I mean...if you love cowboys and Indians, this is your wheelhouse, and while Costner does have a knack for creating Westerns that feel like old-school Westerns, this is not some great masterwork or even something you'll be entertained by throughout. It feels too silly, too shallow, too off, like something is missing, that edge, that drama, that energy. 

    Kevin Costner quit the highest rated cable TV show that he was making $1.3 million an episode to star in to make Horizon. Yellowstone was him being a cowboy, in a modern Western, and he was a fucking star. And back then, the Western Dances with Wolves won him Oscars, fame, he was more than a movie star, he was suddenly an auteur. But maybe, eventually, the Western that brought him to the highest highs will also be the end of him. Maybe Horizon will finally be the death of the career of Kevin Costner. **