Review: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

WITH THE TERRIFYING ‘BLAIR WITCH’, LESS IS MORE

(reviewed at amc painter’s crossing on Friday, july 30th, 1999 with jack)

  The sleeper of Summer ’99 has definitely arrived. Forget ‘American Pie’, the film that was advertised as The Sleeper of The Summer before it even opened, and forget every other useless popcorn film out there. This is the summer of ‘The Blair Witch Project’, a small, simple, almost shockingly stripped down to its bare essentials, scary as a mother fucker independent wild ride. After viewing ‘DBS’ which showed everything and more, and then witness something as unique as ‘Blair Witch’, you just have to understand how bad big bad Hollywood really is.
    ‘The Blair Witch Project’ is simple and even though it’s unoriginal (‘The Last Broadcast’ beat it to the punch, though failed in the long-run) nobody will ever see that other independent flick about being lost in the woods.    Thee filmmakers venture into the Maryland woods in 1994 to shoot a documentary on an old small town legend knows as The Blair Witch. There are many stories about the witch, and a few stories kicked around where people have seen her and/or knew someone who had seen her. The filmmakers venture in the woods and soon enough things start to happen. Noises in the night, mysteries piles of rocks placed almost ceremoniously close to their tent, sticks wrapped up, and sticks tied to trees in demonic cult looking symbols.
    They capture most of the eerie goings on with their 16 mm camera that they are shooting the actual film on and also a behind the scenes film with their regular everyday camera.
    The film itself starts out with a simple disclaimer letting you know what happened, then the rest of the 87 minute film is them and what happened.
    Even though the film doesn’t have jump out of your seat type slasher movie aspects, my heart was racing and I didn’t want to leave my chair or look away. It hooked me like no other movie has. I swear to God I never want to go camping again in my life, and if I have that bad opportunity to, I’ll have a very hard time sleeping, sort of like how when ‘Psycho’ came out women across the country were scared of taking showers so they switched to baths. At least then they would have a good view of the killer, right? In case it was really a guy in a wig or something.
    Giving away anything about this film to anyone is risking it. The more you know about the film the less you will probably like it. Go in fresh, not knowing what will befall these people, not knowing their trials and tribulations…try to sleep knowing their fate.
    If a year ago you would have told me a movie that doesn’t even take up half the movie screen, that is shot in shaky 16 mm and handheld camcorder fashion, starring three unknowns and majorily being a horror movie with no on-camera evil and a budget under a million bucks would be a massive hit not just on a few screens but nation wide in multiplexes right beside ‘Inspector Gadget’,  I would have thought you mad; I would have told you to fold you arms, cause here’s the straitjacket!
    ‘The Blair Witch Project’ deserves it’s sleeper hit status. It’s a breath of fresh air in a stuffy, clogged summer. Sleep tight. ****

Review: DEEP BLUE SEA

‘DEEP BLUE SEA’ SINKS TO THE BOTTOM

(reviewed at amc marple 10 on thursday, July 29th, 1999 with jack n mom)

    And I thought the stupidest thing this summer was Jar Jar. ‘Deep Blue Sea’, however, proves its worth as a contender in the race for stupidest movie ever.
    The initial reason for making this extreme popcorn film was probably to capitalize on ‘Jaws’. Last year we moviegoers had to sit through TWO asteroid films and TWO computer generated bug films. The year before there were TWO volcano films. Everything is copied these days, and since it seems the majority of Hollywood has run out of ideas, they’re copying great films from way back.
    Just to prove that ‘Deep Blue Sea’ doesn’t have much to do with ‘Jaws’, they’ve changed the one shark into three, the killings into pure bloodbaths, the quiet Nantucket isle into a Mexican Waterworld-esque hi-tech underwater hangar, and the great characters from that Spielberg film into cardboard cutouts spewing awful dialogue while acting on every cliché in the book.
    But we can’t forget ‘Jaws’. If it wasn’t for that we wouldn’t have to be force fed shit like ‘DBS’ and told that it’s actually a movie. No it’s not, ‘DBS’ is a disaster, a mess, a reason to hate films, a reason to get up and do something about it. With ‘DBS’ and ‘WWW’, and ‘The General’s Daughter’, and even ‘The Phantom Menace’, popcorn films are at the worst they’ve ever been.
    The ridiculous back story of ‘DBS’ involves some lucky scientists who are finding a cure for alzheimers by enlarging sharks brains. There is a laboratory in the middle of the Pacific near Mexico’s Baja peninsula where they have the sharks caged and where they test them.
    Samuel L. Jackson plays one of the big wigs who shows up to see how the tests are going. It just happens that he was in a horrible avalanche earlier in his life and managed to survive. The others that work at the sight are more or less shark bait- I mean they’re not famous actors, except for LL Cool J who plays a cook with a foul mouthing parrot and a high IQ but scared shitless Michael Rappaport who is the movie’s best asset.
    Of course the sharks go on a killing spree…what did you expect? The people attempt to get out of the underwater laboratory while it begins to flood and the sharks enter.
    If you’ve ever seen a Renny Harlin film (‘Clffhanger’, ‘Die Hard 2: Die Harder’, ‘Cutthroat Island’, ‘The Adventures of Ford Fairlane’, and ‘The Long Kiss Goodnight’) then you know his brand of action: big and bold and crazy and seriously unbelievable.
    There’s plenty of action in ‘DBS’, I can say that, but the action is way too ridiculous and silly to actually enjoy. The plot follows a paint by numbers style; they keep getting further and further out as one by one they’re horribly chewed up and destroyed.
    ‘DBS’ probably never had any potential to be a good film. They went out and tried to make everyone happy but ended up with a film even more silly than ‘Batman & Robin’ (okay, maybe not as silly but along the same lines as that colorful disaster). The script is a laughing joke, the special effects are just okay, and the entire film just makes you realize how good ‘Jaws’ really was. *

Review: SUMMER OF SAM

WITH ‘SOS’, SPIKE LEE PROVES HE STILL GOT GAME

(reviewed at AMC Marple 10 with Jack on Sunday, July 11th (BATB) 1999)

    I love summer films the same as the next dridiot, but don’t you love it when something really cool shows up out of nowhere, and knocks your socks off? I know this doesn’t make sense for me since I’ve been avidly awaiting Spike Lee’s latest high energy spectacle, “Summer of Sam”, but it’s great to see such a smart and different type of film open up all the while the no IQ films “Wild, Wild West”, “Big Daddy”, “The General’s Daughter” and “The Phantom Menace” are playing and hoarding all of the green.
    This summer deserved a treat after witnessing a bad ‘Star Wars’ flick that we had such high hopes for, and it seems like us film goers are finally receiving one. “South Park”, “Eyes Wide Shut”, “The Blair Witch Project”, and “Summer of Sam” are all out there, just waiting for people to be awed. This is the true meaning of summer. Not a bad new re-make (WWW), not a God awful sci-fi flick (TPM), not another dumb Travolta film (TGD). Spike Lee directing a hugely entertaining topic with New York City 1977 in the backdrop, two full length The Who songs, Adrien Brody and John Leguizamo giving fantastic performances, and enough blood and sex to make the R rating seem sketchy. Am I in heaven or what?
    “Summer of Sam” obviously sets the stage as the notorius David ‘Son of Sam’ Berkowitz is entering his second killing summer. It’s the summer of ’77, when the Yankees were kings, when a blackout sent chills down everyones spine, and when lovers lane turned into a butchers stalking ground.
    We’re introduced to Sam as he screams in his dirty apartment while a dog across the street barks incessantly. “Shut that dog up!” the serial killer yells.
    Locals from the neighborhood make up the film while Sam is merely a backdrop. John Leguizamo plays a cheating husband while Mira Sorvino plays his innocent and almost oblivious wife. A bunch of regulars converge by the river at a Dead End of a street. Adrien Brody shows up with his new look, a punk with a new British accent. The locals don’t like this one bit and eventually disown him. He takes his new gal, the hot and sultry Jennifer Esposito, with him into his new punk world. On the side he dances in Male World and by night he plays the punk club CBGB’s.
    Each character weaves in and out of the main story, which is Leguizamo’s realization that he has to stop cheating on his wife. It’s too hard for him and eventually everything builds to a fever pitch.
    I have never seen John Leguizamo act better. He’s a great actor here, the best you could ask for. His character is real and is actions identifiable. Mira Sorvino on the other hand is awful here. She reminded me a lot like Sharon Stone in “Casino”, because the only time she acts is when she’s screaming. Whoever gave her that Oscar a few years back better take it away.
    Adrien Brody is great, but Jennifer Esposito really proves she’s a hot talent. Her change from neighborhood slut to punk g-friend is more believable than Brody’s.
    The rest of the Dead End gang is straight out of “The Soprano’s” or “Goodfellas”, but they work because they bring humor to the film and hunanity.
    The best thing about the film is Spike Lee’s direction and the editing. I loved his last film, “He Got Game” and his previous “Clockers” mostly because of the high energy and frantic editing. “Summer of Sam” is no different. Edited to perfection and crazy, high energy, wild, out there, bold, stylized. The Who’s ‘Baba O’Reilly’ song montage is a classic, edited with Brody’s guitar strumming, Sam’s murderous rampage, and probably every other piece of film lying on the cutting floor. The ending sequence which errupts in a bottomless pit of brutality is extremely powerful.
    All in all the film works well. There are a few scenes that don’t work, notably the Sorvino/Leguizamo “Casino”-esque arguments, but the style definitely wins you over. Spike Lee is a great filmmaker. In a summer of shit, it’s great to see a hit. ***

Review: SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER & UNCUT

'SOUTH PARK' IS A HILARIOUS, VULGAR, ENTERTAINING RIDE

(reviewed on Wed, July 7th, 1999 in Garden City Regal 12, SC w/ Jack, Bill, & Dr. Dre)

    I never thought I’d see it, but it happened, right in front of me. I will probably never see it again in my life so I’d better remember it. It was opening day of the new “South Park” feature film, the R-rated cartoon starring the loveable third graders from Colorado. At my local multiplex the theater ushers were actually checking tickets at the theater door. Checking tickets for a cartoon. They didn’t check tickets for the much worse “Summer of Sam” or the kid friendly “American Pie”. They had good reason I’m sure, but it was definitely a moment I’ll never forget. High security for a cartoon. What times we live in.
    If you’re living in a nuclear bomb shelter than you wouldn’t be reading this, but anyway maybe you got out, you don’t know what “South Park” is, do you? It’s a hilarious half hour cartoon on Comedy Central about four third graders and their simple mountain town. What an understatement. Throughout the three seasons of the show we’ve seen alien anal probes, an elephant mating with a pig, a robotic Godzilla-like Barbara Streisand, a school nurse with a fetus growing out the side of her head, and a suburban mother sleeping around at a drunken barn dance. Did I mention that this is the freshest and funniest show on TV in years? It’s cast of characters pales in comparison only to “The Simpsons”. Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny are already classic characters.
    Since the TV show is on Comedy Central and not HBO, they can’t use any of the big curse words, or show nudity or excessive violence, even though the TV rating system garnered it a TV-MA which HBO’s OZ also is which is about a million and one times worse.
    Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of the show and film, figured out a way to make the movie seem bigger and better than the TV show. They didn’t want an 80 minute TV episode. So how could they make it different? Rate it R.
    “South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut” starts off with the four kids going to see the brand spanking new Terrence & Phillip movie, ‘Asses of Fire’. They get to the theater but find out that the film is rated R so they can’t get in. They force a homeless drunk to buy them tickets and soon enough witness a few hours of farting and profanity.
    The kids leave the theater only to spread the word to all the other children that they must see ‘Asses of Fire’. Eventually every kid is cursing and using new words they had never knew before. Teachers at the school tell parents and eventually a war is proclaimed against Canada since the film is Candien.
    To give anything away would ruin the film and make my review seem downright dirty. What I can say is that I haven’t laughed this hard in a film since probably “The Nutty Professor” remake. It definitely stands high as being the funniest comedy in years, I would say it pales in comparison only to “The Naked Gun”, which is the funniest film in my mind. “South Park; Bigger, Longer, & Uncut” is not just a regular episode. It’s an event. It’s a musical. It’s downright silly and sick and politically incorrect yet highly entertaining and very watchable. The songs are great, funny, and really make the film rise above the TV show. It’s an experience unlike anything I’ve witnessed. It’s a downright great film. I wish all summer movies were this fun. ***1/2 (out of ****)