ATTACK OF THE SPECIAL F/X
(reviewed at KOP with Jack and Annie on opening day, Thursday May 16th, 2002)
“You are not all powerful.”
“Well I should be!”
No, this isn’t George Lucas reacting to an out of line employee telling him that there are too many special f/x in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. This is Hayden Christenson as Darth Vader…er, as Annakin Skywalker reacting to Natalie Portman as Padme, er…Senator Amidala. And not to spoil anything, but this little scene that features the troubling “evil” side of Annakin is the best sequence in the film, a muddled mess of special f/x overkill and non-story that doesn’t feature a single good fight sequence or space battle.
Granted, when comparing Lucas’ latest over the top opus, Attack of the Clones, with his last outing, The Phantom (Disappointment) Menace, Clones seem a lot better. Yet when comparing Clones to the other three Star Wars films, it stands alone as being just short of plain awful.
The story basically features Annakin Skywalker ten years after he was an annoying bad actor named Jake Lloyd (“A pod race? Coooooool” was just one horribly uttered line in Menace, the other one being “Are you an angel?” when he first lays eyes on the Israeli sex pot, Natalie Portman). Annakin is all grown up, but how does he become the villanious Darth Vader? How does he turn from being a strong Jedi to an evil dark lord of the Republic? Without a doubt, the best thing in this film is Hayden Christensen. Unlike Menace, which featured a plethora of stiff acting (Liam Neeson was the worst), Christensen has oomph. He’s a sly dog with mondo-problems. And while he doesn’t get the best lines to utter, he just plain steals the movie alongside Samuel L. Jackson (stiff) and the special f/x laden dud, Yoda, who looks even less realistic than the swamp living muppet he was back in Empire.
The “big” plot point involves some clones and a bounty hunter, but realistically, this is the thinnest Star Wars movie ever made. It’s as if Lucas only focused on the f/x (99.9% of the film looks like a fucking cartoon…and most of the f/x are ultra-fake and ultra-silly) and forgot about the script. Even the main “villain” shows up too late to become anything but a set decoration. It’s as if Lucas and his co-writer (some dude who worked with Lucas on The Young Indian Jones Chronicles) wrote most of the script then realized that, hey, who the hell are Obi Wan and Annakin gonna have a lightsaber fight with at the end? We have to create a new villain!
The main problem with Attack is the special f/x. Sadly, this is a special f/x movie. There’s some romance going on (pretty unrealistic and forced), but the majority of the film is focused on new worlds and new creatures and new f/x fight sequences. Lucas and Co. seemed hell-bent on forcing down us moviegoer’s throats so much special f/x that we would bow down and scream, “Okay! We get it! Lucas, you are the king of special f/x! Now go fucking work on a decent script for once and gimmie a story!”
In the first Star Wars, there was plenty of story. The world was interesting, and Luke was a real hero yearning for more. How can your heart not beat a little bit faster when Luke stands on Tatooine staring at the two setting suns while the John Williams’ score thumps in the backround? There is nothing that moving in Attack. It’s all mindless action and boring Jedi Counsel speak with a plot involving the Republic…or something. The opening crawl to Attack is without a doubt, pointless. Did you understand any of it? The story seems like just a reason for all of these worlds and creatures and big, silly battle sequences that that don’t look amazing, they look silly, preposterous, and cartoonish!
The movie works, though, a lot more than Menace, because for awhile it’s at least interesting. Then the Clone Wars begin and the last half an hour of the film is an utter waste of time. The “factory” sequence could be the worst thing Lucas ever concocted. It’s fake looking, silly, boring, and ludicrous. And you have to think that if this film had been done before special f/x circa 2002, it wouldn’t have been possible, but it would have been better. Can you imagine that sand monster in Jedi today? It would have all these special f/x laden tentacles and not look half as scary or half as fun. And we all saw how bad Jabba was when he was forced through a computer in that lame-ass “new” Star Wars.
Attack of the Clones is a mess of a film. The battle scenes don’t work, and neither does the romance. There are a few interesting sequences, but even the chase seems more like a video game than anything of interest. Sadly, special f/x have ruined George Lucas. He still has some bold ideas, and it’s interesting to see the story of Vader unfolding ever so slowly, but this film is a mess. Without Hayden Christenson, this would have been a complete disaster. And if Menace hadn’t have been such an epic disappointment, I probably would have said the same thing about this one. *1/2 (out of ****)
