It's two days after Labor Day, so the summer is unofficially over. School starts, football starts, the weather gets cooler, the sun starts to set earlier, and soon the big Fall movies will premiere. It's time to look forward to Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice and Joker 2 and Gladiator 2 and Moana 2 and...Jesus Christ, does Hollywood only do sequels? And it's also time to look back at the summer movies. I didn't see everything (Alien: Romulus was the #1 movie I was looking forward to but haven't seen it yet), but here's some short reviews of the summer movie season:
TURTLES ALL THE WAY DOWN (May 2): This was based on
the last book written by John Green, who used to be this superstar, best
selling YA author, but has disappeared off the face of the Earth. The book came
out in 2017. That's not as bad as Gone Girl's author, Gillian Flynn,
who's last book came out in 2012. Fame makes writers stop writing. I guess if
you're rich, what's the point anymore? The book Turtles All the Way Down
was pretty half-baked, and the movie is as well. The star, Isabela Merced, is
fantastic in this, though. Movie's slight but watchable. The book still has one
of my favorite lines ever, though: “Don't take this the wrong way, but you look
like you just got off work from your job playing a ghoul at a haunted house,
and now you're in a parking lot trying to score some meth.” And they didn't use
that line in the movie! What the fuck? **1/2
THE FALL GUY (May 3): This movie was streaming On
Demand 18 days after it premiered in theaters...which tells you how much of a
bomb it was (it still made $180 million worldwide and $92 million U.S., so it's
not like nobody went to see it). This was the unofficial first movie of
the summer movie season, and usually they're, like, a big deal. Because of the
writer's strike, though, Deadpool & Wolverine was moved from this
date and opened in July. This movie is entertaining and fun, though I thought
it'd be funnier because Ryan Gosling is in it. Emily Blunt is always great, and
it's an easy watch. **1/2
UNFROSTED (May 3): This was Jerry Seinfeld's
directorial debut. It's about Pop Tarts. I guess he's, like, bored these days?
He should just do another season of Seinfeld. It's not like the other
actors from that are busy. I haven't seen Kramer in 20 years. This movie is
mildly entertaining but kind of just too dumb. And it's not even funny. *1/2
KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (May 10): I loved
this movie. The story is great (it's, shockingly, the same exact story that Borderlands
has), the special f/x are great, and it's engrossing. I'm an outlier, though,
because I didn't even like the last trilogy of Ape films but liked this
one, which was the exact opposite of pretty much everyone. ***1/2
THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 1 (May 17): Renny Harlin
directed this. Dude, what cave has he been hiding in? He directed Die Hard
2: Die Harder, Cliffhanger, and Cutthroat Island. He used to
be married to Gena Davis. Then he disappeared. I'm not sure how he ended up
directing a slasher pic in 2024. This film is basically just the same as the
other Strangers films. I'm not sure why exactly it exists, since it's
nothing new (maybe Chapter 2 will be something new). I liked seeing Riverdale's
Madelaine Petsch in this, and it's decent. A lot of critics noted that the
Strangers are practically supernatural beings in this, able to appear behind
someone and then magically disappear the next second. I guess that's suppose to
be scary but it is ridiculous. **
FURIOSA: A MAD MAX STORY (May 24): It's good, just
not as good as Fury Road. The big problem is that the earlier films
didn't use mountains of special f/x, and this one did. Also there's no great
action set pieces in this like there were in The Road Warrior and Fury
Road. Chris Hemsworth is amusing but the star, Ana Taylor-Joy, doesn't even
show up until like an hour into the movie and, honestly, is pretty bland. It's
well made and better than most Hollywood pictures, though. ***
HIT MAN (May 24): The movie finally starts to get
really good and then it ends. Maybe that's the problem. It's a breezy watch and
pretty fun, though there's not much to it. Adria Arjona is great in this, and
it is one of Linklater's better recent films. **1/2
ATLAS (May 24): Jennifer Lopez stars in this robot
soldier future movie that went straight to Netflix. Yeah, I don't know why I
watched this, either. 1/2*
UNDER PARIS (June 5): Killer sharks are in the Seine
in Paris. The funniest thing about this movie is that the sharks win. I'm not
even joking. *1/2
THE WATCHERS (June 7): M. Night Shyamalan's daughter,
Ishana, wrote and directed this. I actually liked the book but the movie
doesn't work for whatever reason. This movie was a total bomb at the box office
for whatever reason (no big stars maybe?). The set-up is decent but it
definitely falls on it's face by the end. **
THE BIKERIDERS (June 21): It definitely looks
great. It's pretty boring, though, for the most part, although I enjoyed a lot
of it. **1/2
KINDS OF KINDNESS (June 21): I really liked this
movie. I did not like Yorgos Lanthimos' last two films, Poor Things and The
Favourite, as much as this. That's probably because he worked with the same
writer he's worked with on all of his other films except for the last two. This
movie is long (2 hours and 45 minutes), probably why critics that saw it in
theaters didn't like it. It's 3 different stories with the same cast in
different roles. Each story is strange and weird but so strange and weird that
it keeps your interest. The one problem is that each story is like a mystery
with no solution. ***1/2
HORIZON: AN AMERICAN SAGA: CHAPTER 1 (June 28): I
reviewed this. **
A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE (June 28): All I wanted to see
was a monster movie, and what I got was a Hallmark movie. *
BEVERLY HILLS COP: AXEL F (July 3): This went
straight to Netflix. I honestly don't even remember if the first two Beverly
Hills Cop movies were any good, though I do remember the 3rd
film being bad. Eddie Murphy is really funny and entertaining, so it's kind of
sad that he seems to be in a lot of bad movies. There are some entertaining
action sequences in this, and Murphy is fun, but this isn't very good. **
MAXXXINE (July 5): I thought that this was the best
movie of Ti West's XXX trilogy even though everyone thought the
opposite. The set-up and first half are definitely better than the ending, but
throughout it's a blast. It's definitely not scary at all, though, which
is a little strange. Kevin Bacon is great as the slimy P.I. ***
LONGLEGS (July 12): This was a surprise hit at the
box office. The first half hour or so is excellent. As is the premise and the
cinematography. The giant problem is that Nicholas Cage's over-the-top zaniness
doesn't fit with the rest of the film. And while the mystery is fantastic (how
does a serial killer get families to kill themselves without him being there?),
the solution is groan-inducingly bad. **
TWISTERS (July 19): It's strange seeing the stars of
the great TV show Normal People ditching the indie movie world to star
in Hollywood blockbusters. It's also kind of sad. Paul Mescal is in Gladiator
2 and Daisy Edgar-Jones is in this. I haven't watched the original Twister
in years, but do remember liking it. This seems to be just a poor imitation. I
don't think it helps that it starts off with death. We're supposed to be having
a fun time at the movies with these popcorn films. **
DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE (July 26): I wasn't really
looking forward to this because I find Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool to be annoying
like Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn is...but I was entertained and it's a fun
film. I really liked the story of this one and how they used the TV show Loki's
(still the best of the Disney+ Marvel shows) purgatory in the time realm
setting. There's probably too many scenes of Wolverine and Deadpool walking in
slo-mo while an older pop song plays, but I think overkill is the theme in this.
***
TRAP (August 2): M. Night Shyamalan's movies all play
out like unintentional comedies. In this, a serial killer is trapped at a
concert with his daughter. I was dying laughing when every time he sees
something and thinks: hmmm, maybe I can climb into that hole in the ground to
escape. But the premise is a good one and, honestly, this is the best Shyamalan
movie in years. It's engrossing because you're curious where it's going and how
he's going to escape. And Josh Hartnett, last seen in The Faculty
(probably), is awesome in this. Shyamalan doesn't have a twist at the end but
does have a revelation that works. It's dumb but I liked it. ***
BORDERLANDS (August 9): This movie was an ultra-bomb
at the box office and anyone that watched it hated it. I think that was obvious
it would happen since they filmed it in 2021 and it just got released. The
director of the last Deadpool movie was brought on to re-shoot it after
Eli Roth left to go make Thanksgiving. The original screenwriter took
his name off the movie and they used a psuedonym for him. I didn't even realize
that Jack Black was the robot's voice until after I saw the movie. I guess that
tells you something. Jamie Lee Curtis is good in this. That's about the only
nice thing I can say. It's really a God awful mess. It's based on a video game
series and everyone online says the games aren't even any good. 1/2*
