The Venice Film Festival is going on right now, and a bunch of the big Fall movie releases were shown there. This always pisses me off, because I have to wait until November 7th to see Guillermo Del Toro's Frankenstein while a lucky few already watched it (all of the critics basically said that it's good not great). The Rock's film, The Smashing Machine, about a UFC fighter, got good reviews at the festival, as did Yorgos Lanthimos' re-make of Save the Green Planet (which was a bad movie), Bugonia, which stars a head-shaved Emma Stone. Just reading about all of these new movies (that will eventually be released for the common man to finally watch) got me excited for the new Fall movie season. Here's a preview:
SEPTEMBER
THE CONJURING: LAST RITES (September 5): This is the 10th installment in this series. I guess they're counting the spin-offs like The Nun and The Nun 2, which were actually fairly decent. The setting for the first Nun movie was really cool: a creepy, dilapidated convent in the Romanian hills. The setting in this one is a haunted house a family moves into in Pennsylvania. Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga return as The Warrens. It's based on The Smurl Haunting in West Pittston in the 1970's. The real life Warrens investigated and found 4 entities there, one of them demonic. If you read about it, you find quotes like this: "their daughter Dawn was nearly raped by the entity." Now that's a fucking movie! Ghost rape. I have heard of Pittston, PA. They have the Tomato Festival there every year. They used to have a tomato fight during the festival, but it was deemed too much of a waste of food and discontinued. Now they do a spaghetti eating contest. I wonder if the demon entity is still around. Maybe he could cause some havoc at that spaghetti eating contest.
SPINAL TAP 2: THE END CONTINUES (September 12): The band is back, finally returning for a sequel 41 years later. That has to be the longest between a movie and its sequel, right? At least, with the same cast and director. I haven't watched the original in years, though I still remember "Smell the Glove" and the dwarfs circling the miniature Stonehenge. I doubt this movie will be even half as good as the original, but that should still make it pretty good. Seriously, what's the last great comedy movie that came out? Borat 2 and Palm Springs are the only recent good comedy movies I can think of, and those came out 5 years ago. Is the comedy film dead?
THE HISTORY OF SOUND (September 12): After Gladiator 2, I thought Paul Mescal might keep going the Hollywood big time route. Nope! He plays a gay guy that falls in love with a fellow student at a music school in 1917. It played at Cannes but didn't get great reviews.
THE LONG WALK (September 12): This is a Stephen King novella, collected in The Bachman Books, a collection I've never read (The Running Man is also in that collection...and coincidentally this Fall there's a new Running Man movie). I'm guessing King wrote this one first and then was, like, let me write one where they run! This is apparently the first novel he ever wrote. He started it as a Freshman at the University of Maine. It takes place in the future where's there's some sort of dystopian walking contest where only the winner lives. The movie stars Cooper Hoffman from Licorice Pizza and was directed by Francis Lawrence, who might have a crush on Jennifer Lawrence (he directed 3 Hunger Games movies and Red Sparrow).
A BIG BOLD BEAUTIFUL JOURNEY (September 19): This is Margot Robbie's first starring role since Barbie. One has to wonder...what the heck has she been doing for the last few years? This also has Colin Farrel. It's about two people that meet at a wedding, fall in love, and travel through time. Okay. Sounds awful.
THE LOST BUS (September 19): Matthew McConaughey stars as a bus driver stuck in the middle of the Camp Fire in California, a wildfire that destroyed a whole town and killed 85 people back in 2018. It's directed by Paul Greengrass, who loves putting us through misery once again, as if real life wasn't enough (he's one of the few that boldly made a movie about 9/11...plus he made a movie about that mass shooter in Norway that killed 69 kids at a summer camp on an island). Greengrass also directed a few of those Jason Bourne movies, so he at least knows how to direct an action movie, which should help.
ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER (September 26): This is probably the #1 movie I'm looking forward to this Fall. Paul Thomas Anderson is writing and directing this loose adaptation of Thomas Pynchon's Vineland. It stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Benicio Del Toro. DiCaprio has said in interviews before that his one big regret is passing on starring in Boogie Nights. Well, he's finally in a Paul Thomas Anderson movie, 28 years later. I did read Vineland but barely remember it besides the main character being an ex-hippie, conspiracy nut in Northern California. The trailers don't make it look good, but Anderson's last film, Licorice Pizza, was one of his best, so hopefully he keeps rolling with the good ones.
ELEANOR THE GREAT (September 26): Scarlett Johannsen directs her first film, this one about a woman played by June Squibb that fakes being a Holocaust survivor. June Squibb is 95 years old in real life. How the heck did a 95 year old star in a movie? I think most 95 year olds are drooling in a wheelchair.
THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 2 (September 26): This is the 4th entry of these Strangers movies, which is kind of confusing because this is Chapter 2. They're slasher films where strangers kill people in a secluded location for no reason. Chapter 1 featured Riverdale's Madelaine Petsch, who's character survived, and she's back in this one. This is supposedly a trilogy, and they filmed all 3 in 52 days in 2022 in Slovakia. Seriously, after the first one that starred Liv Tyler in 2008, did anyone ask for 4 more?
OCTOBER
PLAY DIRTY (October 1): Shane Black is co-writing and directing this straight to Amazon Prime movie. It stars Mark Wahlberg and Lakeith Stanfield. Black is a legend (he co-wrote the scripts for Lethal Weapon, The Monster Squad, and The Last Boy Scout), but he hasn't made anything worthwhile since The Nice Guys (which he co-wrote and directed). The last movie he co-wrote and directed, The Predator, was lousy. How hard is it to make a Predator movie? This is a heist movie, so it seems to be more in his wheelhouse. I had heard rumors once that he wanted to make The Nice Guys 2. Oh, please God, make it happen. That was one of the most entertaining movies ever made.
ANEMONE (October 3): Daniel Day Lewis retired from acting but he's back. The reason? His son is directing this movie. The plot has a guy going into the woods to find his brother. Apparently, his brother is one of those Unabomber type nutjobs, thus why he lives in the woods. Daniel Day Lewis' last acting role was in Paul Thomas Anderson's Phantom Thread back in 2017.
ROOFMAN (October 3): Derek Cianfrance is a fantastic writer/director that doesn't do much, which is a shame. He made two good movies, Blue Valentine and The Place Beyond the Pines, and an interesting HBO mini-series, I Know This Much is True. He did make the dull movie The Light Between Oceans. His latest stars Channing Tatum as a real life serial robber that mostly robbed McDonald's by drilling through the roof, hence the title. He escaped from prison and lived in a Toys R Us. I kind of think a documentary about this dude would be more entertaining. And, like, didn't Toys R Us have security cameras? They didn't notice some guy was living in their store? If you read about it, it says at night when the Toys R Us was closed he would ride a bike around the aisles. It also says during the holidays he decided to move out of Toys R Us and live at a Circuit City. Oh my God, there's no way any of this true. And, what? Circuit City wasn't busy during the holidays? There are more holes in this tall tale than the ones he drilled in the McDonald's roofs.
THE SMASHING MACHINE (October 3): The Rock stars as a UFC fighter you've never heard of, Mark Kerr. Instead of him just, you know, acting, they decided to give him heavy makeup to look like Frankenstein. Maybe if I watch the movie it won't be jarring, but it sure is when watching the trailer. On the plus side, this got great reviews at the Venice Film Festival. It also stars Emily Blunt. The director is Benny Safdie, who just played the villain in Happy Gilmore 2. He's more well known for directing Uncut Gems and Good Times with his brother. The big question is: will the Academy take The Rock seriously and nominate him?
AFTER THE HUNT (October 10): Luca Guadagnino is one of my favorite directors these days even though I didn't care much for his last picture, Queer. Challengers, however, was the best movie of 2024, and his HBO series, We Are Who We Are, was so great I still think about it, even though nobody ever heard about it or watched it. This film already played at the Venice Film Festival and got savaged by a critic at Deadline. It stars Julia Roberts and Andrew Garfield. It's about a sexual abuse scandal at a college. Luca Guadagnino is set to re-make American Psycho next, which should be more interesting, albeit pointless. He's already re-made two classics (Suspiria and La Piscine) to varying success, but I still wish he'd focus more on originals.
KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN (October 10): From the director of Chicago, Bill Condon, comes this new musical adaptation starring Jennifer Lopez. Kander and Ebb wrote the musical, based on a novel from 1976. Kander and Ebb are mostly known for Cabaret and Chicago. I'm guessing this was one of their lesser musicals, though it did play on Broadway in 1993. It's about a prisoner in Argentina who hallucinates about a Spider Woman. No wonder this wasn't a smash hit on Broadway.
TRON: ARES (October 10): Tron is still a thing? I mean, I do realize Hollywood is out of ideas...but another Tron? I never even saw the belated sequel, Tron: Legacy, that came out 28 years after the original. This one's only 15 years after the 2nd one, though. They're getting closer together! Soon they'll be a Tron every day in the future. This one stars Jared Leto, Evan Peters, and Scully from The X-Files. Jeff Bridges is back, too.
A HOUSE OF DYNAMITE (October 10): Kathryn Bigelow is back directing after 8 long years (her last movie was Detroit...but she's mostly famous for being the first woman to win a directing Oscar for The Hurt Locker). This one is about a missile attack from an unknown place and how the White House handles it. Idris Elba stars.
BALLAD OF A SMALL PLAYER (October 15): Conclave director Edward Berger's latest stars Colin Farrell as a gambler in Macau, China. Berger also directed All Quiet on the Western Front, so his movies lately have been pretty popular with the Academy. It's based on a novel and hits theaters two weeks before Netflix.
BLACK PHONE 2 (October 17): Maybe I should watch The Black Phone? I did read the Joe Hill short story the first movie was adapted from. There wasn't much to it, was there? They certainly added some heft to it if they're already making a sequel to a movie based on a short story. Ethan Hawke is back in this. I'm more excited for Joe Hill's new novel coming out in October, his first novel since 2016's The Fireman. It's 896 pages and about a group of kids that summon a dragon with a spell and soon realize that they have to give it a sacrifice every year.
GOOD FORTUNE (October 17): Remember Aziz Ansari got taken down by #MeToo and pretty much disappeared? Well, he's back, writing and directing this film starring Seth Rogen, Keanu Reeves, and Sandra Oh. It's a body swapping film and Keanu Reeves plays an angel.
BLUE MOON (October 17): Richard Linklater directs this film starring Ethan Hawke as song lyricist Lorenz Hart. Linklater had a different movie that premiered at Cannes in May and that hasn't even come out yet. This one is about how Lorenz Hart's former creative partner, Richard Rogers, went on to become the powerhouse Broadway team Rogers & Hammerstein. The film takes place during the premiere of the musical Oklahoma!.
BUGONIA (October 24): This is a re-make of a really bad movie, Save the Green Planet!. It's a South Korean film that I recently just watched. Why Yorgos Lanthimos decided to re-make it is beyond me. It stars Jesse Plemmons and Emma Stone. The story is that two crackpot losers kidnap a rich CEO because they think they're an alien. Stone plays the CEO and the big story is that they shave her head in the movie. I guess it's a big deal when a famous actress shaves her head? God forbid a woman not have long hair. The horror! Our culture is fucking stupid.
FRANKENSTEIN (October 27): Guillermo Del Toro adapts Frankenstein for Netflix. Stupidly, it's not coming to Netflix until after Halloween, but they are releasing it in theaters a few days earlier. Oscar Isaac plays the Dr. and Jacob Elordi (from Entourage and Saltburn fame) is the monster. I get why Del Toro is making this, but c'mon, how many adaptations of Frankenstein do we need?
SPRINGSTEIN: DELIVERY ME FROM NOWHERE (October 24): Jeremy Allen White, from The Bear and Shameless, plays Bruce Springstein in the 80's while making his album Nebraska. It was written and directed by Scott Cooper, who last made that bad Netflix film, The Pale Blue Eye, that had Christian Bale investigating a murder at West Point in the 1800's. Cooper is probably best known for Out of the Furnace with Christian Bale and Crazy Heart with Jeff Bridges. Usually these music biopics work if the singer did drugs or had a wild life or something, right? Wasn't Bruce Springstein's life just boring suburbia? Jeremy Allen White has already won two Emmys for The Bear so now the story is will he win an Oscar for this?
NOVEMBER
DIE, MY LOVE (November 7): This one stars Jennifer Lawrence and Robert Pattinson. Lawrence plays a mother who's depressed after having a baby. It's directed by Lynne Ramsay, who made one good movie I've seen, You Were Never Really Here, that starred Joquin Phoenix. This movie played at Cannes and everyone said Lawrence is fantastic in this...but this is the type of movie nobody wants to watch.
NUREMBERG (November 7): Another depressing film that I doubt anyone wants to watch. This is about the Nazis on trial. Russell Crowe and Rami Malek star. It's written and directed by James Vanderbilt. Vanderbilt previously wrote the scripts for those 2 Murder Mystery movies that starred Adam Sandler and Jennifer Anniston. You wouldn't think that guy would be making a serious movie about the Nazis. He also co-wrote next year's Scream 7. The most shocking thing about that movie is Kevin Williamson is directing it but not writing it. Also...do we really need Scream 7? And...there have actually been 7 Scream movies?
PREDATOR: BADLANDS (November 7): Prey, the last live action Predator movie, was awesome. It also went straight to Hulu and I doubt few know it exists. This one is from the same director, Dan Trachtenberg. It stars Elle Fanning. She teams up with a Predator on an alien planet to fight other Predators. I watched the trailer and it doesn't look good. The "good" Predator walks around without a mask which is fucking dumb.
SENTIMENTAL VALUE (November 7): Joachim Trier had a big hit with 2021's The Worst Person in the World. He's back with the same star, Renate Reinsve. Stellan Skarsgard plays a famous movie director. His daughters attempt to reunite with him when their mother dies.
JAY KELLY (November 14): George Clooney and Adam Sandler star in Noah Baumbach's latest, which is coming to Netflix after a few weeks in theaters. This played at the Venice Film Festival and got decent reviews, though nobody raved about it. Clooney plays a famous actor and Sandler is his assistant.
NOW YOU SEE ME; NOW YOU DON'T (November 14): I never saw the first two movies in this series. First off, they look fucking dumb. Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson are magicians but also bank robbers? Is that the plot? Obviously, somebody liked the first two if they made a third one. You know what would be great? A comedy about a magician starring Will Ferrell. Granted, his days of making classic, Anchorman style comedies are over, though.
THE RUNNING MAN (November 14): Not that Schwarzenegger's Running Man is a classic or anything, but it's a pretty famous movie, so why bother remaking it? They remake anything remotely famous, though. The weird thing is that the trailer for this makes it out to be an over-the-top comedy. Isn't this about a game show where you have to kill everyone to win? How is that funny? Edgar Wright is directing this, and he used to be one of my favorite directors. His 3 films with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are great. The last movie he directed, Last Night in Soho, was just okay. Replacing Schwarzenegger in this is Glen Powell. The Stephen King story famously ends with an airplane crashing into a building. The original movie nixed that scene and that was before 9/11, so I doubt we'll see that in this one, too.
WICKED: FOR GOOD (November 21): Considering the first Wicked was a big hit, I wouldn't be surprised if down the line they somehow concoct a 3rd one. The first one ended with the Wicked Witch becoming the Wicked Witch. I never read the book, but the first movie wasn't any good. The songs were average at best and the story made no logical sense. I also hated that the whole movie was just filmed with green screens so it looked like a video game. Go watch The Wiz. You know how awesome those sets are? How it's filled with a cast of hundreds and feels energetic and big and alive? Yeah, we miss those days. Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo are back and it's the same director, so if you liked the first one you'll probably love this.
ZOOTOPIA 2 (November 26): The first animated kid's movie Zootopia was a big hit, so much so that it took 9 years for this sequel to finally come out. What was the hold up, anyway? In this one, a new reptile resident of Zootopia shows up and the main characters, who are animal cops, go undercover. Jason Bateman, Ke Huy Quan, Idris Elba, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Macauley Culkin are a few of the voices in this.
WAKE UP DEAD MAN (November 26): This is the 3rd Knives Out mystery. Rian Johnson is back writing and directing and it's releasing in theaters in November and going to Netflix on December 12th. This one is a locked room mystery where a priest is murdered in his church. Daniel Craig, Josh O'Connor, Mila Kunis, Glenn Close, and Josh Brolin star. While I love Agatha Christie style mysteries with a genius P.I., neither of the first two films were that great. I'm starting to think Rian Johnson isn't going to make a good movie again (Brick, the High School noir mystery, was the only one I liked).
HAMNET (November 27): Paul Mescal and Jessie Buckley star in this adaptation from the novel about Shakespeare's dead son, Hamnet. Chloe Zhao, who directed The Eternals and won an Oscar for Nomadland, is at the helm. This just played at Telluride and got good reviews, though Variety did say "it's so emotionally raw as to be almost excruciating at times." Oh, jeez, another fun night at the movies!
DECEMBER
FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S 2 (December 5): The first film in this video game adaptation was a smash hit. The idea behind the video games is good: basically, the animal robots at a Chuck-E-Cheese like place turn murderous. The problem with the first film was that it was rated PG-13 so the kids that play the video games could actually go see it. This one is also rated PG-13. The video games are scary as hell and it's a great premise, but the first film didn't reach its full potential of awesome fright fest. I feel like an R-rated gore fest would be better, right?
AVATAR: FIRE & ASH (December 19): Honestly, is there anyone on Earth that asked for a 3rd Avatar movie? Not that the first 2 movies were bad or anything, they were fairly entertaining and made a boatload of cash, but once you've seen one Avatar you've seen them all. James Cameron is a director that's made a ton of classics (The Terminator, Aliens, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, True Lies, Titanic). I wish he'd, like, go direct something not Avatar considering he's old and he probably won't make many more movies. There's supposedly part 4 and 5 in the Avatar series "in development." You know, I always heard that he wanted to make True Lies 2. Schwarzenegger isn't doing anything these days because his Netflix show was cancelled. Hello? Make a movie people actually want to see, Cameron.
THE HOUSEMAID (December 19): This is based on a best-selling novel about a maid and a family with dark secrets. I don't know what those secrets are because I never read the book. It stars Sydnee Sweeney and Amanda Seyfried. It's directed by Paul Feig (Bridesmaids). The book was a success, so it spawned two sequels. What we really want to know is if Sweeney is going to wear a French maid's outfit in this movie. Oh, it's not a comedy? I guess the answer is "no" then. And where the hell is Euphoria season 3? Sydnee Sweeney is going to be in a wheelchair and still in High School by the time it comes out.
MARTY SUPREME (December 25): Supposedly, Leonardo DiCaprio once told Timothee Chalamet that to stay a successful actor in Hollywood, stay away from super-hero movies and hard drugs. Chalamet is keeping that promise by starring in a ping-pong movie. He plays a professional ping-pong player in the 1950's. It's directed by Josh Safdie, who has made a few good movies with his brother, Benny (Uncut Gems and Good Times), but his going solo with this one. The trailer makes it look great...not that I'd, like, actually drive to a movie theater and pay to see this or anything.
ANACONDA (December 25): Okay, this sounds like an April Fools prank or something. Jack Black and Paul Rudd head to the rainforest to re-create their favorite movie, Anaconda. Wait. What? This can't be for real. I guess it's a horror comedy? Even more shocking, this is the 6th entry in the Anaconda series. There were actually 4 sequels already? I must be living in a cave.
