Review: STAR WARS EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM MENACE

OBI-WAN KENBLOWME  

(reviewed at Marple 10 with Jack on opening day Wednesday, May 19th, 1999)

   There is no such thing as magic. Not now. Not anymore. Maybe once it exsisted. Back in ’77 when the original “Star Wars” hit there was magic in the air. Now, with dead teenagers strewn in war battered High Schools, with a president’s sex life on the public auction block, and with a god-awful new “Star Wars” film in theaters, the regular joe has nothing much to lift his spirits…expect…er…John Street actually beat negative campaigning.
    Talk about a bad start to summer. We were treated to that bad remake two weeks ago, “The Mummy”, now we have to contemplate all of this waiting with bated breath…for this.
    This being “Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace”, as if you’ve been hiding in your basement for the past few years. George Lucas’ return to the director’s chair after 22 looooooong years with his first of three prequels to the original thrillogy that takes place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
    The cast of characters include a young Obi Wan Kenobi, a very young Darth Vader, and some fresh faces; Queen Amidala played by that cutie from “The Professional”, Natalie Portman, Darth Sidious and Darth Maul, a CGI created clown creature named Jar-Jar Binks, and Jedi Knight Qui-Gonn Jinn.
    The backdrop deals with a planet called Naboo which is inhabited by underwater Gungans and normal white people in a city. Something about a sneaky trade organization threatening invasion kicks everything off. Obi and Qui show up to negotiate and eventually snag the queen and hit the sky to get the fuck outta dodge.
    They meet Darth Vader on the desert planet which was made memorable in the first “Star Wars”, Tatooine. He’s just a boy, but Qui sees great power in him.
    Cut to the chase: the ending involves the Gungan army versus the invading battle droids, Qui and Obi versus Sith lord Darth Maul, a horn headed, black and red face painted villain with a double sided light saber, and Darth Vader going into space and saving the day by accident.
    Maybe it sounded good on paper. I said maybe. The new Star Wars film is more of a mess than “The Mummy” was. It doesn’t have any oomph, any power, any excitement, any fun, any thrill. It’s a dull popcorn flick with the best special f/x I’ve ever seen and probably will ever see until Episode II: Balance of the Force. The music is fantastically awesome, too. John Williams is working at the top of his game.
    Why is it bad? It’s all effects and no heart. The characters are all lifeless. The villains seem to be villains just because. Everybody in it is a bad actor expect for Portman who without the queen makeup is acceptable. I guess the script’s horrible dialogue just couldn’t be read realistically. There’s no good action either. There’s the pod race which goes on for too long, and the ending which is way too silly thanks to kid-friendly Jar-Jar Binks. 
    The good aspects? Besides the music and f/x, there is truly one great scene I can think of. Classic “Star Wars”. Unadulterated. Pure evil. Fantastic.
    Darth Maul and Darth Sidious are standing on a balcony at night in a vast city. The view is spectacular. Just two guys in cloaks in the darkness, watching the normal people below, not knowing of the “phantom menace”. Maul turns towards us and reveals his painted face and evil eyes. He says to Sidious: “At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi.” Foreboding. Creepiness. Evil. Man, I wish Lucas could make a movie as good as I can write. *