Review: END OF DAYS

SCHWARZENEGGER COUNTS DOWN TO EXTINCTION

(reviewed at marple 10 on Friday, November 26th, 1999 with jack, stu, & morton)

   It didn’t matter if you wanted it or not, there had to be one. Just one, at the very least. What the hell am I talking about? Why an armageddon-apocalypse-countdown to extinction-millennium-Hollywood popcorn flick to cap off the first century with film and head into the new millennium’s uncharted territory.
    While the studios did release two asteroid films in ’98 (Armageddon, Deep Impact), this year there hasn’t been a big budget millennium flick yet…until now. Arnold Schwarzenegger no less takes on Satan in End of Days, the newest balls to the wall satanic actioneer where nothing stands in it’s way from becoming one of the stupidest movies in years.
    Schwarzenegger is Jericho Cain, even though they don’t mention his name until the climax. Arnold is a hired security guard who is wrapped up in a plot that involves Satan showing up on Earth and having unwilling sexual relations with a chosen female so that a demon spawn can be created and this in turn will create the end of days.
    “With your last breath,” the devil, in Gabriel Byrne’s body I might add, says, “You shall bear witness to the end of days.”
    So Schwarzenegger helps this 20 year old lass from being raped by Gabrielle Byrne while the whole world is against him, right up until the last possible second of the century.
    I had a lot of fun during End of Days, which is a good thing because that is usually the reason you go to the goddamned multiplex, right? But…Days falters because while they were filming they realized they could not pull this off as a dead serious film. Why? Because Schwarzenegger hasn’t mastered an English accent yet and everything that comes out of his mouth sounds funny. Because of this, the producers added intentional humor with all of this brooding end-of-the-world brewhaha seriousness and it doesn’t work. None of it.
    End of Days is your basic by the numbers action flick. It has nothing fresh or new and the script is downright horrible. The actual plot is decent and it’s great to see the first millennium flick since the excellent  Strange Days, but Schwarzenegger and Co. add nothing new except a few casual laughs and a groan when the credits hit. *1/2

Review: SLEEPY HOLLOW

‘SLEEPY HOLLOW’ IS HEADLESS & PROUD

(reviewed at marple 10 on Friday, November 19th, 1999)

 
 Tim Burton’s latest directorial effort from the fantastically wild Andrew Kevin Walker (Seven, 8MM) script plays out exactly like the sprawled, headless corpses in the film, Sleepy Hollow.
    It’s a great film to look at and to listen to and to just sit back and have a good time with, but it’s missing something vital, just like how the corpses in the flick are missing their heads.
    Johnny Depp is Ichabod Crane, a New York City constable in 1799 who uses science and new technology he has created to solve his cases. Because he is seen as different, the New York City Judge, played by horror maestro Christopher Lee, sends him to the upstate farming community known as Sleepy Hollow. The catch? Three townsfolk had their heads lopped off in only a fortnight. There is a murderer in Sleepy Hollow, so it is Depp’s job to find him and bring him to justice.
    As with any Tim Burton film, and especially with this script, the key is atmosphere. Sleepy Hollow can be described as atmosphere, atmosphere, atmosphere. It’s all the film has going for it. It looks fucking incredible. The sets, the gnarled forest, the houses, the costumes, the time period is perfect, and of course unnatural and spooky at the same time.
    Johnny Depp eventually shows up and is told that the murderer is none other than…a headless horsemen who rides into town from the dark and supernatural western woods and gets a head, then retreats. Depp is a science and facts kind of guy, so he disbelieves this, until he sees it first hand. It is eventually up to Depp and his new found friends to uncover the mystery of the Headless Horsemen.
    The basic story, written by Washington Irving, is one of America’s best tales. While Disney’s cartoon reinforced the masterpiece it would become, the initial concept is jaw droppingly awesome in a scary as shit kind of way. Ichabod on his slow horse in the dark woods with sounds every which way. Suddenly hoof beats, heavy ones, loud noises. Oh shit! It’s a fucking headless horsemen! And depending on your version, he may or may not have a flaming pumpkin. In this one he has masterful skills with a blade he keeps twirling around.
    Tim Burton has done his homework. The movie is all atmosphere and it is very entertaining when compared to any popcorn fare. But…there is a hole in the flick. While you are watching Sleepy Hollow and even afterwards, there is just something missing from the film. It’s all show stopping magic and no heart. It also has a severe identity crisis; is it a love story, a horror story, a supernatural story, an action movie, or all or none?
    Sleepy Hollow is definitely the best eye and ear candy I’ve witnessed in years, and while there are plenty of great things to say about it, in the end it’s missing one important thing; a head. **1/2

Review: THE PRINCE OF EGYPT

POWERFUL ‘POE’ PUTS DREAMWORKS ON THE ANIMATION MAP

(reviewed on ppv, Fri/Sat, Nov.12/13th (holyfield-lewis-2, psu-michigan), 1999

 
 When Dreamworks was created, most film fans thought they were in for a special treat. They thought that Katzenberg and Geffen and Spielberg would redefine Hollywood. Better films, better music albums, and better animated features. Geffen has more or less failed, hasn’t he? His biggest signing contract was for George Michael. I’m guessing you understand where that went. Spielberg actually made The Lost World for Universal, and then Dreamworks two big features of the last two years, Saving Private Ryan, and Deep Impact had to get Paramount to help. Maybe it’s a good idea to share the cost, but c’mon. This is Dreamworks? What happened to the dream? Well, Prince of Egypt came out last December and I did not catch it until almost a year later, so now I can rest easy. They may not be the top money makers out there, but with American Beauty and POE, Dreamworks SKG is finally making some fantastic films to be proud of.
    The reason I adored POE, Katzenberg’s animated Biblical film, is only because of one simple thing; the animation. I have never seen a better looking cartoon in my entire life. Yes, the animals look ridiculously silly and uncoordinated, the people are all lanky and their noses are almost a foot long, but the backgrounds and the camera angles and the colors and the shadows and the entire epic is beautiful. It looks like a great movie. The backgrounds are awesome, the colors majestic. I never thought I would watch a silly little cartoon with bad songs that aren’t even catchy and watch it with my jaw dropped to the ground.
    The film takes it’s story form The Bible’s Exodus section. This is where Moses and Ramses grow up as heirs to the Egyptian Kingdom. Moses finds out that he is not the king’s son but a Hebrew slave. He soon looks at the thousands of slaves as human beings and decides he cannot take it. He travels into the desert and eventually a burning bush talks to him and persuades him to go back and free the Hebrews. Now I am not a die hard Catholic. I haven’t gone to church in years, but the majority of the stories in The Bible I am aware of. As soon as Moses sees the bright colors dancing off a cave I knew it was the burning bush. I was not sure how they would do this. Would they just have a bush on fire talking to him? The result is nothing short of spectacular. It’s powerful. I didn’t expect a stupid cartoon that isn’t made specifically for Sunday school to be so bold, so touching.
    The rest of the film sort of dips into a negative feeling and of course the ending is rejoiceful. The film is short and it seems like the movie needs a little more to it. Plus, the songs are pretty un-singable, though I didn’t hate them.
    There’s a scene where the Hebrews are walking through the parted Red Sea casually, and up in the water a whale just passes by. The light flickers on it’s massive dark shape as it swoops down and passes them. It’s a damn cartoon and I was watching it on a shitty small TV and it still proved to be epic and full of weight.
    Dreamworks definitely has something special with their animation department. I truly can’t wait for The Road to El Dorado. I haven’t been this excited about animation since Scooby Doo and the gang solved the mystery of Shadow Lake. ***1/2

Review: THE BONE COLLECTOR

THE ‘BORE’ COLLECTOR

(reviewed at marple 10 on Sunday, november(to remember) 7th with stu & morton)
 

   If you blame anyone for the mess that is The Bone Collector, blame Thomas Harris, the reclusvie author of The Silence of the Lambs. When that film hit the silver screens, serial killers became chic. It won an Oscar for Best Picture even though it did not deserve to, and became one of the biggest hits in the 1990’s. Now everyone knows who Hannibal ‘The Cannibal’ Lecter is. This past June the sequel to The Silence of the Lambs hit bookstores, and to everyone's shock, the book fucking sucked. Thomas Harris had created an evil, menacing, unforgettable villain played to perfection by Sir Anthony Hopkins, only to put him in a novel where he’s about as scary as the fucking Easter bunny. Harris ruined the entire aura surrounding Lambs, and in doing so, it has come full circle. Serial killer movies are done with.
    Denzel Washington stars as Lincoln Rhyme (it is easy to tell a bad movie by how ridiculous the main character’s name is), a forensic cop in New York City. His job is more or less to go into dark subway tunnels to find corpses. He ends up paralyzed and is stuck writing true crime books. A fresh faced rookie cop played by the red hot Angelina Jolie is working the police beat when she comes across a guy buried alive near train tracks. The killer is leaving clues so they get Lincoln Rhyme to help out and they use the hot babe to do the leg work since he’s well…paralyzed.    The reason The Bone Collector is an awful movie is because you will swear that you have seen the film before. There is not one second in the film that is fresh, that is new, that is exciting or interesting. The serial killer drives a taxi cab and leaves clues that the cops must discover before another body is found. Is it me, or do the cops always solve the clues? It would be great to see some dumb cops who don’t solve the clues, because it would be closer to real life and at least something you haven’t seen before.
    Denzel has officially become a horrible actor in my book. A good actor usually acts well and picks good films. Denzel is an okay actor but he picks the worst movies. Remember last year’s The Siege? That was one of the worst movies ever made. And to add salt to the bleeding wound, the only difference between Denzel’s character in The Siege and The Bone Collector is that in this flick he’s paralyzed. Oh wait, I didn’t mention that he can move his index finger so it’s easy to use a computer mouse.
    Hollywood has really fucked up this time. A bad script, same-old plot, boring beginning, middle, and end, and the finale is laughable. The audience hated this film. I agree wholeheartedly. –NO STARS-