(reviewed at KOP with Jack on Wednesday, March 13th, 2002)
There were a few movies postponed because of the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001 (or 9/11 as it is now commonly referred to as). One of them was Big Trouble, based on Dave Barry’s first novel. It hasn’t been released yet, but supposedly it features a subplot where a few idiots like Jackass’ Johnny Knoxville easily smuggle a nuclear warhead onto a U.S. commercial airliner. Another movie that was pushed from October to February was Ahnold’s Collateral Damage, which dealt with terrorists blowing up a building in the United States. Now when you think about the plots of those two movies, it seems fairly obvious as to why they were pushed further ahead in the release schedule. But why was Dreamworks/Warner Brother’s The Time Machine bumped from December to March 8th? The reason the studios gave was that the film features a scene where the moon blows up, and the pieces crash to Earth and destroy buildings in New York City. Well I saw The Time Machine, and yes the moon blows apart above New York City, and yes the pieces supposedly fall into the city and destroy much of it. But we never see much of this destruction. We only see one city street that has a few flames an army men running around in disarray. So my question is…why couldn’t they have released this in December if they weren’t going to change anything but just simply cut a few special f/x scenes? I believe I know the answer. This movie was test screened and got such horrible reviews from the filmgoers, that the studios were worried. Maybe the re-edited it. Maybe the added more action and more f/x. Maybe they changed the ending. Maybe they didn’t change a thing. I think they moved the movie into the death bed of cinema known as March because the movie sucked and they knew it. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding. Go ahead and watch this mess. I dare you.
They kept the basic plot the same, except for one notable exception. Guy Pearce plays a college professor in the late 1800’s who comes up with a time machine. We never learn exactly how he figured out how to travel through time, although since it is impossible, I guess there was no reason to make up even a small excuse or reason. He travels to the future to answer a question he has, and eventually ends up in the distant future where good and evil people live. If you’ve seen the original, then good for you, because the 1960 version was an instant classic. This film, however, is a total dud.
Without giving anything away, the era that Pearce travels to is just plain silly in this version. Since this is a popcorn film, there has to be some big f/x action, which fails on every level. And of course there has to be a comedy sidekick, played here by Orlando Jones who isn’t really funny at all, which is sad because he’s usually good in good moves (Liberty Heights) and bad movies (Evolution). Here he has nothing much to do except be annoying, dull, silly, and preposterous. I guess they added him for the kids. I don’t know.
Guy Pearce does his job of being a stuck up loser who turns time travelling mad man and heroic superman over, well, time. But it’s sad that he was put into such a mess of a film. There is seriously nothing very interesting in this film. It’s all over the map, and you have to keep thinking to yourself…a time travel movie has so many possibilities…why is it such a drag? But they’ve kept the same basic plot as the original H.G. Wells classic. But then what is the point of remaking it if you’re going to do it almost exactly the same? They have changed a few things, but haven’t added anything worthwhile. The f/x in the film aren’t bad, but the movie is. How hard is it to make a good time travel movie? When Pearce enters the New York City of the future, it made Back to the Future II’s Hill Valley of the future seem cool (and remember how dumb that Jaws 3-D crap was?).
Sad to say, this movie is the first ‘big’ popcorn film of the 2002. It hasn’t exactly kicked the year off on a good note. Granted, it was a leftover from 2001, but this year doesn’t bode well. It looks to be the year of the horrible f/x laden bombs. Spiderman will be good except for the cartoon f/x. And Attack of the Clones looks like a fucking cartoon. And don’t even get me going on Scooby Doo.
I wish I could use this time machine to go back to the meeting where they actually greenlit this thing. I’d change everything. Promise. ½*
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