Review: THE AVENGERS

I WANT YOU TO ‘AVENGE’ MY SEVEN BUCKS

(reviewed on ppv)

    “The Avengers” wasn’t screened for critics on it’s opening weekend way back in the heart of August. When it was eventually reviewed they tore it apart like rabid dogs on salty meat. It made little cash and whimpered away only to appear on video where it received even worse reviews. The movie seems to get worse the longer it is around, so I was a little hesitant to sit down and watch it.
    I watched a brief five minute sequence involving Sean Connery dressed up in a  teddy bear suit talking to a group of business men also in teddy bear (multi-colored) suits. You think I would have never looked back, but after all of the negative reviews, the part I saw didn’t seem that bad.
    So I watched the entire film and garnered it a *1/2 star rating.
    Here are my qualms, my bitches, my positives, my negatives, on…“The Avengers”
    It’s starts out bad and ends worse, but in between it’s at least somewhat watchable. I admit to have never seen nor heard of the old TV series which I’m guessing is a copy off of James Bond. This time around Ralph Fiennes plays an agent for The Ministry in England. Uma Thurman shows up as Emma Peel to help him thwart the evil Dr. August DeWynter, played by Sean Connery. The plot seems interesting, Connery is a bad guy who controls the weather. This is, unfortunately, the kind of film that probably couldn’t have been good no matter who made it.
    Fiennes and Thurman read their boring, outer space/robot-esque dialogue like they’re reading the words off of cue cards startegically placed behind the camera. They talk like this the entire film, stupid sentences that apparently echo the old TV series. It’s not cute, it’s not funny…it’s annoying.
    The “action” scenes are supposed to be cool because they feature quirky gadgets like flying, robotic bees and an M.C. Escher room where the stairs go nowhere even though they look as if they’re going down. (Shut up! It as to be seen to be believed!).
    The final bout between Fiennes and Connery is on a bridge with tidal waves crashing over them and lightning striking inches away from them.
    The film sounds good on paper, but up there on the screen it’s a walking, talking, ugly mess. Hopefully, film companies will now realize that re-making old TV shows into big, glossy films doesn’t exactly mean big profits just because that show kicked ass. Oh, wait, "The Flintsones 2: Viva Rock Vegas" is coming out? It’s a prequel? Two-hundred million, first weekend! *1/2 (out of ****)