Review: THE PLANET OF THE APES

TIM BURTON GOES APE…AND DEVOLVES IN THE PROCESS

(reviewed on Friday, July 27th, at Cinemark in Scranton w/ Dad, Mom, Annie, & Jack)

    I caught an A&E Biography show two days ago that featured Tim Burton. This week they’re doing Ape week, whatever that means. My dad says that A&E is probably owned or has some affiliation with 20th Century Fox. Why else would they do an ape week? This week they’re profiling different folks like Kris Kristofferson, Helen Bonham Carter, and Charleton Heston, who was the original dude who yelled, "Get your paws off me you damn, dirty ape!” Remember “Bright Eyes”? And the horrifying conclusion of that first film, The Planet of the Apes? It came out in 1968. It was based on a French book. It was such a hit money wise that they did a few crappy sequels. They even did a TV show and a cartoon. I guess it was only a matter of time before they re-did the original. It seems nothing is safe anymore. We got a re-make of The Mummy a few years ago. These aren’t massive re-makes, granted. They haven’t revisited Gone With the Wind or Casablanca yet. But where do we draw the line? I thought the original Apes was in league with those two. Yes, the other films and the TV show and cartoon brought it down. Maybe some don’t look at the original as a classic. But I do. So why remake it? Well that’s a simple question. Too easy almost. Why remake anything? Because you liked the first one so much? Maybe 20th Century talked Tim Burton into this idea, and maybe in his head he still believes it, but the real reason is cool, green, dead presidents. They made the new film for money. It’s a shame, too. Shouldn’t movies be about creativity? Or even, hell, in the summer they can be for entertainment. The new The Planet of the Apes lacks it all. It’s a popcorn mess. It’s boring. It’s lame. It’s un-funny. It’s silly. It sucks. I hate it. And now I look at Tim Burton as a shell of his former self.
    The new flick stars Mark Whalberg as the spaceman. He crashes onto a planet inhabited by apes. These apes talk and have control over the humans, who are looked upon as mere slaves. The story is the same as the orginal. A role reversal of sorts. And deep within there’s a racial thing going on, but with the new one you kind’ve have to look beyond the silly sci-fi hijinks to take anything remotely intriguing from it.
    The big deal with this one is Rick Baker’s makeup. He transformed some fine actors like Helen Bonham Carter (who will never be the same after Fight Club), Tim Roth, and Michael Clarke Duncan into apes. There’s gorillas and baboons, and there are some monkeys I think. The costumes are great, but to me they looked too plastic. I liked the original costumes because they were scary. And I liked the original because the humans couldn’t talk. And in the original you actually wanted Charleton Heston to win. You rooted for him with fists in the air. You wanted him to beat up those damn apes and win! In this new version, Mark Whalberg has a few quick quips here and there, and then one big fight speech that comes out of left field. The dude ends up on a planet where apes rule and he doesn’t act surprised, confined, or totally helpless. He really sucks in this film.
    Tim Burton also sucks here. The style he uses is sort of here, somewhere. He used to make really cool atmospheric films. Sure he doesn’t write the scripts, but his style is present in stuff like Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood. Yes, he made those two silly Batman films, but I always looked at him as a pretty good director. When a film was coming out with his name on it you knew you would be in for something special. Unfortunately, he signed on to direct this. Why? Did he like the original? If he did, then why didn’t he leave it alone? Here he puts too much Mars Attacks like silliness into the final product. There are too many jokes and scenes that you cannot take serious. So then how are we to react during the scenes that are supposed to be serious? Yeah, Tim Roth as the villanious Thade is cruel and evil, but does it matter if he wins? Not really. I couldn’t care less.
    I was bored with Apes. It’s all visual style and brooding music and expensive ape suits. It lacks every emotion and all of the drama the original had. The script has a few twists and turns, but the twists and turns are completely laughable. Granted, I doubt we’re supposed to take much of this serious…and that is why this film is a comedy. Why is this film a comedy, though? Sure, add some humor and what-not for the kids and popcorn audiences, but why ruin a great film in this immediate mess of a picture? This film, sadly, is awful. It rambles along with barely any action, save for one very boring and ultra-silly battle sequence. And yes, I won’t give anything away, except to say that this film fits finely along with the rest of the cluttered Hollywood junk I call The Summer Shit of 2001. I can’t wait to miss the sequel. ½* (out of ****)

Review: JURASSIC PARK 3

THE DINOS ARE SMARTER BUT THE SCRIPT IS DUMBER IN JURASSIC PARK 3

(reviewed at the mecca with mom and annie on Wednesday, July 18th, 2001)

    As I watched Jurasic Park III on opening day, I realized something as soon as it started. The very first scene is extremely silly and lame, plus the special f/x are extremely cheap and pathetic looking. What I realized, and what I kept thinking about in my mind, was how hard is it to make a good dinosaur movie? I guess Joe Johnston and the dozen script writers dropped the ball, because I think that it should be fairly easy. Jurassic Park III is a silly, disaster of a film. Granted, 1997’s The Lost World was a step down from 1993’s Jurassic Park, but JP3 is a giant leap down in quality, special f/x, excitement, action, logic, plot, story, characters, beginning, middle, ending, and, okay. You get the point. It seems like Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton were eaten by raptors in 1997 and thus had no say whatsoever in this mess. Because sadly, even though The Lost World could have been better, I would have much rather seen Crichton and Spielberg work on this thing.
    It all starts out lamely enough. I won’t spoil it, but if you have seen even one preview then you more or less know EVERY SINGLE SET PIECE IN THE ENTIRE FILM. Yes, the previews give away everything, even most of the ending. Basically, Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill, who was good in the first film, but I feel for bad for him here because it seems he only signed on because he needed the money…after all, since The Piano no one has been knocking down his door exactly) ends up on Site B, Isla Sorna, the second island where the crazy Dr. Moreau-ish John Hammond created the dinosaurs. This is the same island we first saw in The Lost World. The place is run down, and the dinosaurs are living about in fierce jungle terrain. The problem with this film, and the second one, is the fact that there is no real good reason to come back to any of the five islands (in The Lost World we learn that there are five islands, although in this film we learn that there are only two…yes, it doesn’t make sense). The second film featured a lame plot line that had Julianne Moore and Vince Vaughn showing up on the island to take pictures while a few hunters showed up to catch some beasts. Fine, that is at least somewhat logical. Why anyone is on this island in this third outing is more or less a complete copy of the first one plus another reason that is too lame to even repeat here.
    So some people get chased around by dinos, including the infamously big Spinosaurus, the raptors (again), and some pteradactyls. There is action, but it is silly and monotonous, and not nearly as death defyingly intense as the infamous stalled car sequence in the first flick, the infamous raptor kitchen scene in the first flick, or the infamous two t-rexes & a trailer scene in the second flick. The pteradactyl scene in this is probably what most people will agree is the best, but even that action scene turns silly and lame way too fast. This film, unfortunately, is for kids. And I guess I should have seen it coming. Joe Johnston directed this one, and he is the director of kid movies like October Sky and Jumanji. There are too many jokes in this film that turn it into a colorful romp. The big climactic ending is turned into a laughable popcorn disaster when some genius decided to cut an intense, violent battle with a colorful, unfunny joke plot.
    Don’t ask, because you don’t want to know how bad it is.
    How hard is it to make a good dinosaur film? Seriously! How hard it is? It’s not hard at all! Why not rate the next one R, put some hardcore Starship Troopers-esque carnage into it, and make it fucking awesome? Why bore us with this kiddy bullshit? Dinosaurs are fucking wicked! They’re sick and disgusting and ferocious and scary and horrible and not unlike the friggin’ nazi’s! Why are they in a kid’s movie???
    The other aspect that is a total letdown are the special f/x. They are, without a doubt, horrible. All of the dinosaurs look like they’re animated. The raptors are too colorful, and the Spinosaurus never looks as threatening as the t-rex in the first film, even though it’s bigger and more powerful. Jurassic Park came out EIGHT YEARS AGO, so why are the f/x worse now? Did ILM pull a rush job on Johnston? Do they only put the good stuff up on the screen when Spielberg is directing? I’m not sure, but this film needed major work. I guess now we finally realize why they sank this monster in mid-summer instead of opening it up earlier. It’s a kids film, and it isn’t boring, but it’s a mess. This franchise was golden, and the first film was the best popcorn film of the 90’s. Now the franchise is almost ruined. This summer, unfortunately, is turning worse every week. *1/2