Review: THE PLANET OF THE APES

TIM BURTON GOES APE…AND DEVOLVES IN THE PROCESS

(reviewed on Friday, July 27th, at Cinemark in Scranton w/ Dad, Mom, Annie, & Jack)

    I caught an A&E Biography show two days ago that featured Tim Burton. This week they’re doing Ape week, whatever that means. My dad says that A&E is probably owned or has some affiliation with 20th Century Fox. Why else would they do an ape week? This week they’re profiling different folks like Kris Kristofferson, Helen Bonham Carter, and Charleton Heston, who was the original dude who yelled, "Get your paws off me you damn, dirty ape!” Remember “Bright Eyes”? And the horrifying conclusion of that first film, The Planet of the Apes? It came out in 1968. It was based on a French book. It was such a hit money wise that they did a few crappy sequels. They even did a TV show and a cartoon. I guess it was only a matter of time before they re-did the original. It seems nothing is safe anymore. We got a re-make of The Mummy a few years ago. These aren’t massive re-makes, granted. They haven’t revisited Gone With the Wind or Casablanca yet. But where do we draw the line? I thought the original Apes was in league with those two. Yes, the other films and the TV show and cartoon brought it down. Maybe some don’t look at the original as a classic. But I do. So why remake it? Well that’s a simple question. Too easy almost. Why remake anything? Because you liked the first one so much? Maybe 20th Century talked Tim Burton into this idea, and maybe in his head he still believes it, but the real reason is cool, green, dead presidents. They made the new film for money. It’s a shame, too. Shouldn’t movies be about creativity? Or even, hell, in the summer they can be for entertainment. The new The Planet of the Apes lacks it all. It’s a popcorn mess. It’s boring. It’s lame. It’s un-funny. It’s silly. It sucks. I hate it. And now I look at Tim Burton as a shell of his former self.
    The new flick stars Mark Whalberg as the spaceman. He crashes onto a planet inhabited by apes. These apes talk and have control over the humans, who are looked upon as mere slaves. The story is the same as the orginal. A role reversal of sorts. And deep within there’s a racial thing going on, but with the new one you kind’ve have to look beyond the silly sci-fi hijinks to take anything remotely intriguing from it.
    The big deal with this one is Rick Baker’s makeup. He transformed some fine actors like Helen Bonham Carter (who will never be the same after Fight Club), Tim Roth, and Michael Clarke Duncan into apes. There’s gorillas and baboons, and there are some monkeys I think. The costumes are great, but to me they looked too plastic. I liked the original costumes because they were scary. And I liked the original because the humans couldn’t talk. And in the original you actually wanted Charleton Heston to win. You rooted for him with fists in the air. You wanted him to beat up those damn apes and win! In this new version, Mark Whalberg has a few quick quips here and there, and then one big fight speech that comes out of left field. The dude ends up on a planet where apes rule and he doesn’t act surprised, confined, or totally helpless. He really sucks in this film.
    Tim Burton also sucks here. The style he uses is sort of here, somewhere. He used to make really cool atmospheric films. Sure he doesn’t write the scripts, but his style is present in stuff like Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood. Yes, he made those two silly Batman films, but I always looked at him as a pretty good director. When a film was coming out with his name on it you knew you would be in for something special. Unfortunately, he signed on to direct this. Why? Did he like the original? If he did, then why didn’t he leave it alone? Here he puts too much Mars Attacks like silliness into the final product. There are too many jokes and scenes that you cannot take serious. So then how are we to react during the scenes that are supposed to be serious? Yeah, Tim Roth as the villanious Thade is cruel and evil, but does it matter if he wins? Not really. I couldn’t care less.
    I was bored with Apes. It’s all visual style and brooding music and expensive ape suits. It lacks every emotion and all of the drama the original had. The script has a few twists and turns, but the twists and turns are completely laughable. Granted, I doubt we’re supposed to take much of this serious…and that is why this film is a comedy. Why is this film a comedy, though? Sure, add some humor and what-not for the kids and popcorn audiences, but why ruin a great film in this immediate mess of a picture? This film, sadly, is awful. It rambles along with barely any action, save for one very boring and ultra-silly battle sequence. And yes, I won’t give anything away, except to say that this film fits finely along with the rest of the cluttered Hollywood junk I call The Summer Shit of 2001. I can’t wait to miss the sequel. ½* (out of ****)