Review: END OF DAYS

SCHWARZENEGGER COUNTS DOWN TO EXTINCTION

(reviewed at marple 10 on Friday, November 26th, 1999 with jack, stu, & morton)

   It didn’t matter if you wanted it or not, there had to be one. Just one, at the very least. What the hell am I talking about? Why an armageddon-apocalypse-countdown to extinction-millennium-Hollywood popcorn flick to cap off the first century with film and head into the new millennium’s uncharted territory.
    While the studios did release two asteroid films in ’98 (Armageddon, Deep Impact), this year there hasn’t been a big budget millennium flick yet…until now. Arnold Schwarzenegger no less takes on Satan in End of Days, the newest balls to the wall satanic actioneer where nothing stands in it’s way from becoming one of the stupidest movies in years.
    Schwarzenegger is Jericho Cain, even though they don’t mention his name until the climax. Arnold is a hired security guard who is wrapped up in a plot that involves Satan showing up on Earth and having unwilling sexual relations with a chosen female so that a demon spawn can be created and this in turn will create the end of days.
    “With your last breath,” the devil, in Gabriel Byrne’s body I might add, says, “You shall bear witness to the end of days.”
    So Schwarzenegger helps this 20 year old lass from being raped by Gabrielle Byrne while the whole world is against him, right up until the last possible second of the century.
    I had a lot of fun during End of Days, which is a good thing because that is usually the reason you go to the goddamned multiplex, right? But…Days falters because while they were filming they realized they could not pull this off as a dead serious film. Why? Because Schwarzenegger hasn’t mastered an English accent yet and everything that comes out of his mouth sounds funny. Because of this, the producers added intentional humor with all of this brooding end-of-the-world brewhaha seriousness and it doesn’t work. None of it.
    End of Days is your basic by the numbers action flick. It has nothing fresh or new and the script is downright horrible. The actual plot is decent and it’s great to see the first millennium flick since the excellent  Strange Days, but Schwarzenegger and Co. add nothing new except a few casual laughs and a groan when the credits hit. *1/2

Review: SLEEPY HOLLOW

‘SLEEPY HOLLOW’ IS HEADLESS & PROUD

(reviewed at marple 10 on Friday, November 19th, 1999)

 
 Tim Burton’s latest directorial effort from the fantastically wild Andrew Kevin Walker (Seven, 8MM) script plays out exactly like the sprawled, headless corpses in the film, Sleepy Hollow.
    It’s a great film to look at and to listen to and to just sit back and have a good time with, but it’s missing something vital, just like how the corpses in the flick are missing their heads.
    Johnny Depp is Ichabod Crane, a New York City constable in 1799 who uses science and new technology he has created to solve his cases. Because he is seen as different, the New York City Judge, played by horror maestro Christopher Lee, sends him to the upstate farming community known as Sleepy Hollow. The catch? Three townsfolk had their heads lopped off in only a fortnight. There is a murderer in Sleepy Hollow, so it is Depp’s job to find him and bring him to justice.
    As with any Tim Burton film, and especially with this script, the key is atmosphere. Sleepy Hollow can be described as atmosphere, atmosphere, atmosphere. It’s all the film has going for it. It looks fucking incredible. The sets, the gnarled forest, the houses, the costumes, the time period is perfect, and of course unnatural and spooky at the same time.
    Johnny Depp eventually shows up and is told that the murderer is none other than…a headless horsemen who rides into town from the dark and supernatural western woods and gets a head, then retreats. Depp is a science and facts kind of guy, so he disbelieves this, until he sees it first hand. It is eventually up to Depp and his new found friends to uncover the mystery of the Headless Horsemen.
    The basic story, written by Washington Irving, is one of America’s best tales. While Disney’s cartoon reinforced the masterpiece it would become, the initial concept is jaw droppingly awesome in a scary as shit kind of way. Ichabod on his slow horse in the dark woods with sounds every which way. Suddenly hoof beats, heavy ones, loud noises. Oh shit! It’s a fucking headless horsemen! And depending on your version, he may or may not have a flaming pumpkin. In this one he has masterful skills with a blade he keeps twirling around.
    Tim Burton has done his homework. The movie is all atmosphere and it is very entertaining when compared to any popcorn fare. But…there is a hole in the flick. While you are watching Sleepy Hollow and even afterwards, there is just something missing from the film. It’s all show stopping magic and no heart. It also has a severe identity crisis; is it a love story, a horror story, a supernatural story, an action movie, or all or none?
    Sleepy Hollow is definitely the best eye and ear candy I’ve witnessed in years, and while there are plenty of great things to say about it, in the end it’s missing one important thing; a head. **1/2

Review: THE PRINCE OF EGYPT

POWERFUL ‘POE’ PUTS DREAMWORKS ON THE ANIMATION MAP

(reviewed on ppv, Fri/Sat, Nov.12/13th (holyfield-lewis-2, psu-michigan), 1999

 
 When Dreamworks was created, most film fans thought they were in for a special treat. They thought that Katzenberg and Geffen and Spielberg would redefine Hollywood. Better films, better music albums, and better animated features. Geffen has more or less failed, hasn’t he? His biggest signing contract was for George Michael. I’m guessing you understand where that went. Spielberg actually made The Lost World for Universal, and then Dreamworks two big features of the last two years, Saving Private Ryan, and Deep Impact had to get Paramount to help. Maybe it’s a good idea to share the cost, but c’mon. This is Dreamworks? What happened to the dream? Well, Prince of Egypt came out last December and I did not catch it until almost a year later, so now I can rest easy. They may not be the top money makers out there, but with American Beauty and POE, Dreamworks SKG is finally making some fantastic films to be proud of.
    The reason I adored POE, Katzenberg’s animated Biblical film, is only because of one simple thing; the animation. I have never seen a better looking cartoon in my entire life. Yes, the animals look ridiculously silly and uncoordinated, the people are all lanky and their noses are almost a foot long, but the backgrounds and the camera angles and the colors and the shadows and the entire epic is beautiful. It looks like a great movie. The backgrounds are awesome, the colors majestic. I never thought I would watch a silly little cartoon with bad songs that aren’t even catchy and watch it with my jaw dropped to the ground.
    The film takes it’s story form The Bible’s Exodus section. This is where Moses and Ramses grow up as heirs to the Egyptian Kingdom. Moses finds out that he is not the king’s son but a Hebrew slave. He soon looks at the thousands of slaves as human beings and decides he cannot take it. He travels into the desert and eventually a burning bush talks to him and persuades him to go back and free the Hebrews. Now I am not a die hard Catholic. I haven’t gone to church in years, but the majority of the stories in The Bible I am aware of. As soon as Moses sees the bright colors dancing off a cave I knew it was the burning bush. I was not sure how they would do this. Would they just have a bush on fire talking to him? The result is nothing short of spectacular. It’s powerful. I didn’t expect a stupid cartoon that isn’t made specifically for Sunday school to be so bold, so touching.
    The rest of the film sort of dips into a negative feeling and of course the ending is rejoiceful. The film is short and it seems like the movie needs a little more to it. Plus, the songs are pretty un-singable, though I didn’t hate them.
    There’s a scene where the Hebrews are walking through the parted Red Sea casually, and up in the water a whale just passes by. The light flickers on it’s massive dark shape as it swoops down and passes them. It’s a damn cartoon and I was watching it on a shitty small TV and it still proved to be epic and full of weight.
    Dreamworks definitely has something special with their animation department. I truly can’t wait for The Road to El Dorado. I haven’t been this excited about animation since Scooby Doo and the gang solved the mystery of Shadow Lake. ***1/2

Review: THE BONE COLLECTOR

THE ‘BORE’ COLLECTOR

(reviewed at marple 10 on Sunday, november(to remember) 7th with stu & morton)
 

   If you blame anyone for the mess that is The Bone Collector, blame Thomas Harris, the reclusvie author of The Silence of the Lambs. When that film hit the silver screens, serial killers became chic. It won an Oscar for Best Picture even though it did not deserve to, and became one of the biggest hits in the 1990’s. Now everyone knows who Hannibal ‘The Cannibal’ Lecter is. This past June the sequel to The Silence of the Lambs hit bookstores, and to everyone's shock, the book fucking sucked. Thomas Harris had created an evil, menacing, unforgettable villain played to perfection by Sir Anthony Hopkins, only to put him in a novel where he’s about as scary as the fucking Easter bunny. Harris ruined the entire aura surrounding Lambs, and in doing so, it has come full circle. Serial killer movies are done with.
    Denzel Washington stars as Lincoln Rhyme (it is easy to tell a bad movie by how ridiculous the main character’s name is), a forensic cop in New York City. His job is more or less to go into dark subway tunnels to find corpses. He ends up paralyzed and is stuck writing true crime books. A fresh faced rookie cop played by the red hot Angelina Jolie is working the police beat when she comes across a guy buried alive near train tracks. The killer is leaving clues so they get Lincoln Rhyme to help out and they use the hot babe to do the leg work since he’s well…paralyzed.    The reason The Bone Collector is an awful movie is because you will swear that you have seen the film before. There is not one second in the film that is fresh, that is new, that is exciting or interesting. The serial killer drives a taxi cab and leaves clues that the cops must discover before another body is found. Is it me, or do the cops always solve the clues? It would be great to see some dumb cops who don’t solve the clues, because it would be closer to real life and at least something you haven’t seen before.
    Denzel has officially become a horrible actor in my book. A good actor usually acts well and picks good films. Denzel is an okay actor but he picks the worst movies. Remember last year’s The Siege? That was one of the worst movies ever made. And to add salt to the bleeding wound, the only difference between Denzel’s character in The Siege and The Bone Collector is that in this flick he’s paralyzed. Oh wait, I didn’t mention that he can move his index finger so it’s easy to use a computer mouse.
    Hollywood has really fucked up this time. A bad script, same-old plot, boring beginning, middle, and end, and the finale is laughable. The audience hated this film. I agree wholeheartedly. –NO STARS-
   

Review: AMERICAN BEAUTY

FINALLY, DREAMWORKS SHOWS UP WITH SOMETHING SPECIAL

(reviewed at marple 10 on halloween, 1999 with morton and stu)

   American Beauty was written for the silver screen and never appeared on stage, yet if feels like a Broadway hit in the same vein as a really good dialogue heavy hard-edged play. Kevin Spacey is a suburban husband and 9 to 5er at an advertising agency. Annette Benning is his obsessive wife whose real goal is to be the number one real estate saleswoman in the area. They have a troubled daughter and a shady video camera operating neighborhood boy who expresses zero emotion. His father is a tough military brute.
    This is American Beauty, the simple tale of these character and this life and they attempt to break free from their everyday life and into something, new, fresh, exciting, wonderful.
    Spacey quits his job, blackmails his boss, starts smoking pot and working out and lusts after his daughter’s blonde haired bombshell who is more empty headed then we can imagine. At one point in the film the blonde bimbo asks Spacey, “Am I ordinary?”, as if it were some absurd curse to be the same old thing.
    The film has a rich script which definitely feels like a good play. The film is more character driven then most flicks out there, and this is the reason why it is getting such a good dose of early Oscar buzz and critical raves. Each actor and actress has plenty of room to act their heart out and tons of enthusiastic lines and small character arcs. The plot of the film is more or less another morbid, underbelly of the suburbs type deal, but it plays out well and exciting. The movie starts off minimally okay but ends up growing on you until the final showdown with the rain pouring down and the characters doing their business.
    Kevin Spacey’s final moment with his femme fatale is especially moving, the quietness of the scene and the dialogue between them. The other characters are all well rounded except for the more or less one-note wife, Annette Benning, who isn’t the world’s best actress and proves it here. She doesn’t have much to do and it is extremely obvious that a man wrote the entire thing.
    The story that goes along with how the film ever got made goes like this: Steven Spielberg, one of the honchos at Dreamworks SKG read the script one night and the next day put it on the fast track. They got The Blue Room’s (that play where Nicole Kidman showed off her tits for an extremely short amount of time but because of it the London and New York runs were sold out) Sam Mendes to direct and got a healthy cast and a great set designer and it was their Oscar foray for the last year of the century. This is not the kind of script you would think Spielberg would love, but underneath it all it makes sense. Spielberg is stuck in his good guy happy director phase with his adopted kids and wife. Maybe he liked what Spacey did. Spacey got out of it. He started smoking his pot and lifting weights and exercising and actually got up and out of the endless pit this world supposedly is. Spielberg is like all of us after

all. ***

Review: FIGHT CLUB

RED, WHITE, BLACK & BLUE

(viewed at marple 10 on Sunday, Oct. 24th(havoc) with stu and morton)

    There is a powerful undercurrent running throughout the new David Fincher flick, Fight Club. It has been called ‘male malaise’ in the press, but in my mind it is a feeling more than a defintion. Brad Pitt’s character describes it best when he rambles out a monologue a little past the middle of the film. He more or less says after High School he called up his dad and asked him, “What now?” His dad says go to college. Five years later he calls up his dad and says, “What now?” His dad says get a job. Five years later he calls his dad up and says, “What now?” His dad says get married. This is what the film is all about. You have a job, you have a girl, you have money, nice clothes, but what now? Is that all? You hate your job, you can’t find the perfect girl. Is this it? Is this what you’re supposed to live with? A black hole of life…’male malaise’.
    Edward Norton is a white collar 9-to-5er who hates his job. His apartment is furnished with Ikea-brand furniture. His fridge is empty. He goes to work and comes home. His life is empty, he can’t sleep, he’s losing his mind.
    Norton starts to attend a group therapy (like AA) session with guys who have testicular cancer and cry their eyes out as they each tell their sob stories. Norton doesn’t have testicular cancer but he soon finds it’s a great release to have everyone listen to you and actually care about what you’re saying. He soon gets addicted to group therapy sessions and it helps him sleep.
    He meets a kinetic stranger played by Brad Pitt on an airplane. Pitt is out of his mind and sells soap, but makes a lot of sense. Norton comes home to his apartment which is blown up. He needs a place to stay, he calls Pitt, they meet in a bar, they leave, they start Fight Club.
    The film ventures into some strange areas after the duo begin their underground club. The world is different and alive, and they have it by the balls. No more white collar shit. No more cutting the grass on Saturdays and sipping lemonade next to a wife you don’t care about. Society’s walls are broken down (figuratively and literally) and Norton and Pitt are Gods.
    The film is good because it’s stylish and it makes a lot of sense. It is alive with power and directed extremely well by Fincher whose last outing (The Game) almost killed him. There are a lot of stupid parts about Fight Club. I’m sure the novel by Chuck Palahniuk is much better, but the film has more to it than meets the eye. It’s a nightmare and unrealistic but wild all the same. The ending alone is worth the price of admission. Just the quietness of it all. Everything beforehand is forgotten. It’s a great moment to an uneven movie that has an equal amount of guts and brains. *** (out of ****)

Review: THREE KINGS

RUSSEL & JONZE STRIKE GOLD WITH THREE KINGS

(reviewed at marple 10 on Sunday, october 10th, 1999 with jack –n- stu)

    One of the best aspects of the new Gulf War dramedy, Three Kings, is the simple fact that it has everything. It has laughs, heart, action, independent style and charm, pure Hollywood popcorn elements, some great actors, and an overall wild, nuts, crazy, in-sane feel to it. Three Kings is what good film making is all about. Yes, it has a lot of minor flaws, but overall it’s a solid picture that came straight out of the Hollywood machine. Surprises apparently do still occur.
    Mark Wahlberg, Ice Cube, and the hilarious scene-stealing Spike Jonze play three military brats post-Gulf War. They find a map that will lead them to gold bullion that Saddam Hussien and Iraq have stolen from Kuwait. George Clooney is an officer that finds out about the trio’s plans. He joins them and soon enough they’re off for the loot.
    The flick starts as a fun romp through the blue skied, dry-as-a-bone desert, but soon ends up as a moral victory type of film.
    The soldiers’ map leads them into an Iraquian desert village where the avergage citizens are being silenced by the strong armed Saddam army. They want their deserved freedom while the U.S. is cheering an apparently bittersweet victory.
    The plot of the film can be described as warped. It goes from one extreme to the next, and eventually plays out like a basic Hollywood film, though the outrageous style of the film is enough to realize that Three Kings is far from basic Hollywood, it’s essentially the first mainstream Independent thus far this year.
    David O. Russel and Spike Jonze deserve the most credit for this feature. Russel hit it big at Sundance with his independent incest flick, Spanking the Monkey, and later went on to direct Flirting With Disaster. For his next picture he was flipping through the Warner Brothers script collection and came upon John Ridley’s Spoils of War (Ridley wrote the novel Stray Dogs which turned into Oliver Stone’s noir film, U-Turn), a simple action film about Gulf War soldiers who find a treasure map.
    Russel studied up on the Gulf War and soon enough churned out a script that held very little resemblance to Ridley’s script. Ridley was furious about how he was treated through the ordeal. Russel admits Ridley is just mad his script has almost nothing to do with the finished flick.
    Fuck controversy, Russel knows what he is doing, no matter how much of an a-hole he is. His script is great, full of fleshed out cartoon-like but likable characters with witty lines and a lot of hilarious and furious action scenes. His filming style is wild and out-of-control in the Oliver Stone essence. He used the movie’s actual film backwards to achieve a grainy effect. He edited slow-mo techniques and closeups and shaky-cam shots.
    He knows what he’s doing.
    And speaking of knowing what you’re doing, Spike Jonze steals every frame of film he is in. Granted, Mark Wahlberg proves once again he’s a great actor, and Jamie Kennedy is pretty funny, but George Clooney and Ice Cube are just showing basic skills. Jonze started as a music video director. His biggest hits were Weezer’s ‘Buddy Holly’, Beastie Boy’s ‘Sabotage’, and Fat Boy Slim’s ‘Praise You’, where he starred as the leader of the fictional Torrance Community dance group. This fall he married Francis Ford Coppola’s daughter, Sophia Coppola (she was the Italian chick that the critics panned in The Godfather III), and his directorial debut, Being John Malkovich hits.
    Spike Jonze has been behind the scenes long enough. Finally he’s proving what a great actor he is. As Conrad, the white-collar backwoods idiot hick, he provides the majority of the humor and in the end we find that he may just be an annoying Detroit redneck, but we actually care about him.
    Jonze and Russel prove that good movies actually do come out of Hollywood. ***

Review: VARSITY BLUES

FANTASY LEAGUE

(reviewed on ppv, Monday, August 9th, 1999)

  ‘Varsity Blues’- an MTV produced teenage football romp- is so unrealistic I half expected the climax of the film to involve terrorists taking over the football field and the President of the United States to be held hostage in the endzone.
    James Van Der Beek (Dawson in ‘Dawson’s Creek’) stars as Moxie, a senior, second string quarterback on the West Canin football team in Texas, where football is life. The players are bigger than NFL stars, here. They get to have parties without cops interfering, they get free beer, they receive access to strip clubs, and hot blondes practically beg for sex.
    Their life is a party…or is it?
    ‘Varsity Blues’ majorily is a fun filled teenage drinking/sexual romp along the lines of ‘Porky’s’ or ‘Dazed & Confused’, but just to give it story they have added a dark underbelly. On the surface everything is great for these jocks, but on the inside, life sucks.
    The best part of the film is Jon Voight’s fiery performance as the football team coach who has his own bronze statue in front of the football field. He is the film’s villain. He forces hurt players to continue, routinely shoots them up with joy juice just so they continue to win, and desperately does everything his way just so he can win that coveted state title.
    Of course the kids rebel at halftime of THE BIG GAME and…do I even have to give it away?
    The film is watchable for one reason: it’s entertaining. Anything MTV has anything to do with (they’ve produced) usually is at least, on a certain level, watchable. Forget how unrealistic the entire film is. Forget how Der Beek is the perfect teen: how he can not fuck a nude blonde bombshell in a whipped cream bikini begging for his cock, how his girlfriend hates his guts because he’s the new star quarterback, but for some unknown reason she miraculously loves him because he wins a football game, and forget how he talks a fat assed disgusting caricature like Billy-Bob out of doing something really devlish with a shotgun.
    For teenagers, they’ll look at this film as a reason to have casual sex with anyone and everyone, drink beer because it’s hip and in the movies it’s what the cool kids do, and throughout all of this, a happy ending awaits you.
    Keep dreaming, MTV-ites. ** (out of ****)

Review: OF GODS & MONSTERS

FAGGOT OF FRANKENSTEIN

(reviewed on ppv, Thursday, August 5th, 1999)
  

  Last year’s Oscar race deserves a book to be written about it. Not only did ‘Shakespeare in Love’ shock the world by beating the had-been-thought locked winner, ‘Saving Private Ryan’, but there was such a shortage of nominateable films that it seemed like the Academy members were scraping the bottom of the barrels trying to find any film to nominate. Three names were mentioned that did not get nominations; ‘Gods & Monsters’, ‘Pleasantville’, and ‘Waking Ned Devine’. While I did not see ‘Ned’ and thought ‘Pleasantville’ was good but not Oscar worthy, my mind spins in disbelievement that anyone could even consider ‘Gods’ Oscar-worthy.
    It was hailed by critics and film fans, and won an Oscar for best adapted screenplay, but as I sat through this sort-of biopic it crossed my mind that the only reason it was up for all these awards (mostly critic) was because it looks like an Academy-type movie. It has it’s independent charm, it’s Academy favorite star, Ian McKellan, and it plays out dead serious when the subject matter is truly laughable.
    ‘Gods & Monsters’ is about the English director, Frank Whale. He was made famous for his films, ‘Frankenstein’, and ‘Bride of Frankenstein’, but the true reason he is more than famous is because secretly he was a homo.
    The film picks up when he’s older than dirt, having seizure-like attacks while he remembers his awful past involving the Great War and his strict father.
    A gardner, played with basic sweet nature by Brendan Fraser, attracts the gay man’s attention and soon they sort of become friends, establishing a bond while the old man struggles with these feelings of his dark past.
    The one word I can come up with to call ‘G&M’ is uneven. There are a lot of great scenes here, but there are a lot of bad scenes, too, especially the awful twenty minutes the film closes with. Brendan Fraser is good, doing his basic schtick, but Ian McKellan doesn’t really prove why he was nominated, I enjoyed him better in ‘Richard the III’ and the awful ‘Apt Pupil’. The maid, played with foreign incompetence by Lynn Redgrave, is fantastic, though, leaving the film very uneven.
    ‘G&M’ had great intentions, but ended up being more on the lines of a wannabe-Oscar winner. It just doesn’t go the full distance this type of film should to receive it’s just desserts. **

Review: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

WITH THE TERRIFYING ‘BLAIR WITCH’, LESS IS MORE

(reviewed at amc painter’s crossing on Friday, july 30th, 1999 with jack)

  The sleeper of Summer ’99 has definitely arrived. Forget ‘American Pie’, the film that was advertised as The Sleeper of The Summer before it even opened, and forget every other useless popcorn film out there. This is the summer of ‘The Blair Witch Project’, a small, simple, almost shockingly stripped down to its bare essentials, scary as a mother fucker independent wild ride. After viewing ‘DBS’ which showed everything and more, and then witness something as unique as ‘Blair Witch’, you just have to understand how bad big bad Hollywood really is.
    ‘The Blair Witch Project’ is simple and even though it’s unoriginal (‘The Last Broadcast’ beat it to the punch, though failed in the long-run) nobody will ever see that other independent flick about being lost in the woods.    Thee filmmakers venture into the Maryland woods in 1994 to shoot a documentary on an old small town legend knows as The Blair Witch. There are many stories about the witch, and a few stories kicked around where people have seen her and/or knew someone who had seen her. The filmmakers venture in the woods and soon enough things start to happen. Noises in the night, mysteries piles of rocks placed almost ceremoniously close to their tent, sticks wrapped up, and sticks tied to trees in demonic cult looking symbols.
    They capture most of the eerie goings on with their 16 mm camera that they are shooting the actual film on and also a behind the scenes film with their regular everyday camera.
    The film itself starts out with a simple disclaimer letting you know what happened, then the rest of the 87 minute film is them and what happened.
    Even though the film doesn’t have jump out of your seat type slasher movie aspects, my heart was racing and I didn’t want to leave my chair or look away. It hooked me like no other movie has. I swear to God I never want to go camping again in my life, and if I have that bad opportunity to, I’ll have a very hard time sleeping, sort of like how when ‘Psycho’ came out women across the country were scared of taking showers so they switched to baths. At least then they would have a good view of the killer, right? In case it was really a guy in a wig or something.
    Giving away anything about this film to anyone is risking it. The more you know about the film the less you will probably like it. Go in fresh, not knowing what will befall these people, not knowing their trials and tribulations…try to sleep knowing their fate.
    If a year ago you would have told me a movie that doesn’t even take up half the movie screen, that is shot in shaky 16 mm and handheld camcorder fashion, starring three unknowns and majorily being a horror movie with no on-camera evil and a budget under a million bucks would be a massive hit not just on a few screens but nation wide in multiplexes right beside ‘Inspector Gadget’,  I would have thought you mad; I would have told you to fold you arms, cause here’s the straitjacket!
    ‘The Blair Witch Project’ deserves it’s sleeper hit status. It’s a breath of fresh air in a stuffy, clogged summer. Sleep tight. ****

Review: DEEP BLUE SEA

‘DEEP BLUE SEA’ SINKS TO THE BOTTOM

(reviewed at amc marple 10 on thursday, July 29th, 1999 with jack n mom)

    And I thought the stupidest thing this summer was Jar Jar. ‘Deep Blue Sea’, however, proves its worth as a contender in the race for stupidest movie ever.
    The initial reason for making this extreme popcorn film was probably to capitalize on ‘Jaws’. Last year we moviegoers had to sit through TWO asteroid films and TWO computer generated bug films. The year before there were TWO volcano films. Everything is copied these days, and since it seems the majority of Hollywood has run out of ideas, they’re copying great films from way back.
    Just to prove that ‘Deep Blue Sea’ doesn’t have much to do with ‘Jaws’, they’ve changed the one shark into three, the killings into pure bloodbaths, the quiet Nantucket isle into a Mexican Waterworld-esque hi-tech underwater hangar, and the great characters from that Spielberg film into cardboard cutouts spewing awful dialogue while acting on every cliché in the book.
    But we can’t forget ‘Jaws’. If it wasn’t for that we wouldn’t have to be force fed shit like ‘DBS’ and told that it’s actually a movie. No it’s not, ‘DBS’ is a disaster, a mess, a reason to hate films, a reason to get up and do something about it. With ‘DBS’ and ‘WWW’, and ‘The General’s Daughter’, and even ‘The Phantom Menace’, popcorn films are at the worst they’ve ever been.
    The ridiculous back story of ‘DBS’ involves some lucky scientists who are finding a cure for alzheimers by enlarging sharks brains. There is a laboratory in the middle of the Pacific near Mexico’s Baja peninsula where they have the sharks caged and where they test them.
    Samuel L. Jackson plays one of the big wigs who shows up to see how the tests are going. It just happens that he was in a horrible avalanche earlier in his life and managed to survive. The others that work at the sight are more or less shark bait- I mean they’re not famous actors, except for LL Cool J who plays a cook with a foul mouthing parrot and a high IQ but scared shitless Michael Rappaport who is the movie’s best asset.
    Of course the sharks go on a killing spree…what did you expect? The people attempt to get out of the underwater laboratory while it begins to flood and the sharks enter.
    If you’ve ever seen a Renny Harlin film (‘Clffhanger’, ‘Die Hard 2: Die Harder’, ‘Cutthroat Island’, ‘The Adventures of Ford Fairlane’, and ‘The Long Kiss Goodnight’) then you know his brand of action: big and bold and crazy and seriously unbelievable.
    There’s plenty of action in ‘DBS’, I can say that, but the action is way too ridiculous and silly to actually enjoy. The plot follows a paint by numbers style; they keep getting further and further out as one by one they’re horribly chewed up and destroyed.
    ‘DBS’ probably never had any potential to be a good film. They went out and tried to make everyone happy but ended up with a film even more silly than ‘Batman & Robin’ (okay, maybe not as silly but along the same lines as that colorful disaster). The script is a laughing joke, the special effects are just okay, and the entire film just makes you realize how good ‘Jaws’ really was. *

Review: SUMMER OF SAM

WITH ‘SOS’, SPIKE LEE PROVES HE STILL GOT GAME

(reviewed at AMC Marple 10 with Jack on Sunday, July 11th (BATB) 1999)

    I love summer films the same as the next dridiot, but don’t you love it when something really cool shows up out of nowhere, and knocks your socks off? I know this doesn’t make sense for me since I’ve been avidly awaiting Spike Lee’s latest high energy spectacle, “Summer of Sam”, but it’s great to see such a smart and different type of film open up all the while the no IQ films “Wild, Wild West”, “Big Daddy”, “The General’s Daughter” and “The Phantom Menace” are playing and hoarding all of the green.
    This summer deserved a treat after witnessing a bad ‘Star Wars’ flick that we had such high hopes for, and it seems like us film goers are finally receiving one. “South Park”, “Eyes Wide Shut”, “The Blair Witch Project”, and “Summer of Sam” are all out there, just waiting for people to be awed. This is the true meaning of summer. Not a bad new re-make (WWW), not a God awful sci-fi flick (TPM), not another dumb Travolta film (TGD). Spike Lee directing a hugely entertaining topic with New York City 1977 in the backdrop, two full length The Who songs, Adrien Brody and John Leguizamo giving fantastic performances, and enough blood and sex to make the R rating seem sketchy. Am I in heaven or what?
    “Summer of Sam” obviously sets the stage as the notorius David ‘Son of Sam’ Berkowitz is entering his second killing summer. It’s the summer of ’77, when the Yankees were kings, when a blackout sent chills down everyones spine, and when lovers lane turned into a butchers stalking ground.
    We’re introduced to Sam as he screams in his dirty apartment while a dog across the street barks incessantly. “Shut that dog up!” the serial killer yells.
    Locals from the neighborhood make up the film while Sam is merely a backdrop. John Leguizamo plays a cheating husband while Mira Sorvino plays his innocent and almost oblivious wife. A bunch of regulars converge by the river at a Dead End of a street. Adrien Brody shows up with his new look, a punk with a new British accent. The locals don’t like this one bit and eventually disown him. He takes his new gal, the hot and sultry Jennifer Esposito, with him into his new punk world. On the side he dances in Male World and by night he plays the punk club CBGB’s.
    Each character weaves in and out of the main story, which is Leguizamo’s realization that he has to stop cheating on his wife. It’s too hard for him and eventually everything builds to a fever pitch.
    I have never seen John Leguizamo act better. He’s a great actor here, the best you could ask for. His character is real and is actions identifiable. Mira Sorvino on the other hand is awful here. She reminded me a lot like Sharon Stone in “Casino”, because the only time she acts is when she’s screaming. Whoever gave her that Oscar a few years back better take it away.
    Adrien Brody is great, but Jennifer Esposito really proves she’s a hot talent. Her change from neighborhood slut to punk g-friend is more believable than Brody’s.
    The rest of the Dead End gang is straight out of “The Soprano’s” or “Goodfellas”, but they work because they bring humor to the film and hunanity.
    The best thing about the film is Spike Lee’s direction and the editing. I loved his last film, “He Got Game” and his previous “Clockers” mostly because of the high energy and frantic editing. “Summer of Sam” is no different. Edited to perfection and crazy, high energy, wild, out there, bold, stylized. The Who’s ‘Baba O’Reilly’ song montage is a classic, edited with Brody’s guitar strumming, Sam’s murderous rampage, and probably every other piece of film lying on the cutting floor. The ending sequence which errupts in a bottomless pit of brutality is extremely powerful.
    All in all the film works well. There are a few scenes that don’t work, notably the Sorvino/Leguizamo “Casino”-esque arguments, but the style definitely wins you over. Spike Lee is a great filmmaker. In a summer of shit, it’s great to see a hit. ***

Review: SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER & UNCUT

'SOUTH PARK' IS A HILARIOUS, VULGAR, ENTERTAINING RIDE

(reviewed on Wed, July 7th, 1999 in Garden City Regal 12, SC w/ Jack, Bill, & Dr. Dre)

    I never thought I’d see it, but it happened, right in front of me. I will probably never see it again in my life so I’d better remember it. It was opening day of the new “South Park” feature film, the R-rated cartoon starring the loveable third graders from Colorado. At my local multiplex the theater ushers were actually checking tickets at the theater door. Checking tickets for a cartoon. They didn’t check tickets for the much worse “Summer of Sam” or the kid friendly “American Pie”. They had good reason I’m sure, but it was definitely a moment I’ll never forget. High security for a cartoon. What times we live in.
    If you’re living in a nuclear bomb shelter than you wouldn’t be reading this, but anyway maybe you got out, you don’t know what “South Park” is, do you? It’s a hilarious half hour cartoon on Comedy Central about four third graders and their simple mountain town. What an understatement. Throughout the three seasons of the show we’ve seen alien anal probes, an elephant mating with a pig, a robotic Godzilla-like Barbara Streisand, a school nurse with a fetus growing out the side of her head, and a suburban mother sleeping around at a drunken barn dance. Did I mention that this is the freshest and funniest show on TV in years? It’s cast of characters pales in comparison only to “The Simpsons”. Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny are already classic characters.
    Since the TV show is on Comedy Central and not HBO, they can’t use any of the big curse words, or show nudity or excessive violence, even though the TV rating system garnered it a TV-MA which HBO’s OZ also is which is about a million and one times worse.
    Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of the show and film, figured out a way to make the movie seem bigger and better than the TV show. They didn’t want an 80 minute TV episode. So how could they make it different? Rate it R.
    “South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut” starts off with the four kids going to see the brand spanking new Terrence & Phillip movie, ‘Asses of Fire’. They get to the theater but find out that the film is rated R so they can’t get in. They force a homeless drunk to buy them tickets and soon enough witness a few hours of farting and profanity.
    The kids leave the theater only to spread the word to all the other children that they must see ‘Asses of Fire’. Eventually every kid is cursing and using new words they had never knew before. Teachers at the school tell parents and eventually a war is proclaimed against Canada since the film is Candien.
    To give anything away would ruin the film and make my review seem downright dirty. What I can say is that I haven’t laughed this hard in a film since probably “The Nutty Professor” remake. It definitely stands high as being the funniest comedy in years, I would say it pales in comparison only to “The Naked Gun”, which is the funniest film in my mind. “South Park; Bigger, Longer, & Uncut” is not just a regular episode. It’s an event. It’s a musical. It’s downright silly and sick and politically incorrect yet highly entertaining and very watchable. The songs are great, funny, and really make the film rise above the TV show. It’s an experience unlike anything I’ve witnessed. It’s a downright great film. I wish all summer movies were this fun. ***1/2 (out of ****)

Review: YOU'VE GOT MAIL

YOU’VE GOT A GOOD MOVIE

(reviewed on ppv)
 
 If you’ve seen one romantic comedy, you’ve seen ‘em all. Guy and girl don’t mix. Either she likes him or he likes her but one half isn’t buying it. By the end it’s all happy and they’re together. I’ve seen it a million times. Right now “Notting Hill” is in theaters. Later “Runaway Bride” plays out the same cliché.
    But for my money, Nora Ephron, Tom Hanks, and Meg Ryan really have the formula down pat. The trio teamed for the entertaining “Sleepless in Seattle”, and now they’re all back in the more or less re-make of that film then of the original “Shop Around the Corner”, which is the basis of “You’ve Got Mail”.
    Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are e-mail pals. They met in a chat room on America Online one night and have been exchanging and eagerly awaiting each others letters daily. They don’t divulge any personal information, just that they both live in New York City. Hanks plays the son of a big corporate big wig who owns Fox Books, a mega book store which has just been put in across the street from Ryan’s small children’s book store which will probably fold.
    These two people meet and hate each other all the while they are oblivious to the fact that on the computer they are kindred spirits.
    The original book and film dealt with two people writing letters to each other. The e-mail update brings a few laughs, but without Hanks and Ryan the movie would fall flat like Meg Ryan’s last disaster which I will never see in my life, “Addicted to Love.”
    Tom Hanks is better here than he was in “Saving Private Ryan”. I can’t picture TOM HANKS as a leader in WWII. I can picture him here. He’s really funny here, his chemistry with Meg Ryan is top-notch. The scenes when both are trying to seemingly outwit each other is especially humorous.
    Of course they fall in love…do I have to even fucking tell you?
    But thank the lord they don’t fall in love too soon because I really didn’t feel like sitting through them dating and boring shit like that.
    “You’ve Got Mail” is simple, sweet, and what Hollywood should be proud of, even though you’ve seen this before…one billion times. **1/2   

Review: DAYS OF HEAVEN

DAYS OF BOREDOM

(reviewed on Turner Classic Movies Sunday, June 20th, 1999)

    Last Christmas Terrence Malick received an extraordinary amount of press for his epic, WWII Guadalcanal film, “The Thin Red Line”. The reason for this was because Malick had made two small artsy type films that critics really liked, “Badlands” and “Days of Heaven”. Then he took 20 years off and finally returned with “The Messy Thin Red Line”.
    Let me tell you something that everyone in the world knows is concretely true. Terrence Malick is not a good director. He’s not even an okay director. He’s a bad director. He makes good looking films. Bad good looking films. “Badlands” was awful. Martin Sheen and Sissy Spacek go off and build a tree house or some shit. “Badlands” wasn’t even good looking, it was silly and stupid at the very same time. I didn’t see it when it first came out. Fine, lay that on me. “You didn’t see it when it first came out. Back then it was different.” Don’t give me that shit. A good movie you can watch anytime, any place, and it’s still good. I watched “Badlands” and thought it was horrible. The film that totally ripped it off, “True Romance”, was much, much, much, much better. “The Messy Thin Red Line” was awesome looking, poetic in it’s direction, yet it made no comprehensible sense. It was because Malick shot ten hours worth of film and forced it down into three hours that make no sense. Malick is good at photographing nature and sunsets. Make him a cinematographer, or better yet, make him a photographer at National Geographic. Just get him out of film. Though more or less he’s never really been in film anyway.
    “Days of Heaven” is trumpeted as Malick’s masterpiece. Why they say this I don’t have a clue. Richard Gere plays some dude in an iron factory with lots of orange sparks. He runs away after some sort of fight. He goes with his girlfriend and a kid that is maybe his daughter or maybe hers or maybe just some kid. I watched the whole damn movie and still don’t know.
    Gere goes to the middle of Texas where he helps with the crop of wheat some rich farmer yields each year. Gere’s g-friend eventually ends up in a lover’s quarrel with the rich dude and soon enough the plot is in high gear.
    What a fucking overstatement! This film is the slowest film I’ve ever seen in my entire life. The plot is only there so we have a reason why these people are walking around in the wheat fields all year. The characters are cardboard, the fucking sunset has more personality. The film won an Oscar for cinematographer. Shit, If I made a movie which focused solely on nature I’d win an Oscar too.
    So basically, “Days of Heaven” looks magnificent. But it’s a goddamned movie! This isn’t a Travel channel special! Malick forgot what a movie is. He’s not re-defining anything except what boring means. This movie moves so slow I graduated college before the credits rolled. ½* (out of ****)

Review: THE GENERAL'S DAUGHTER

SPECIAL DELIVERY OF NOTHING

(reviewed at AMC Marple 10 on Sunday, June 20th, 1999 with jack & steve)

   There’s this good scene in “The General’s Daughter” when…oh, wait a minute. My mistake. There are no good scenes in “The General’s Daughter”.
    It’s summer. When summer is around the bend you obviously heed the warning of the incoming popcorn films. Okay, Lucas, you tricked us into thinking your little sci-fi film was special. We were tricked, some of us are still tricked, but right now, after a god awful “Star Wars” film in every theater this side of the Atlantic, every moviegoer now has their awareness radars on full blast.
    What the hell am I talking about? When summer comes along the illusive Hollywood popcorn films show up. They have big stars and big production values, they come out in thousands of theaters, are promoted to the moon, and always turn in massive profits. The problem? They usually suck.
    Popcorn films are mindless fun, right? They’re supposed to be. “Jaws”, “Jurassic Park”, “T2: Judgment Day”, “True Lies”, The Indiana Jones films, the first Star Wars trilogy. These were all great popcorn films. They had their flaws, but at least they entertained and made you glad you sat through them. “I had a good time.” I can’t even remember saying those five words after viewing a popcorn movie. It’s been that long.
    “The General’s Daughter” may pretend to be an Oscar-worthy, in the same-vein as “A Few Good Men”, but they aren’t fooling anyone. “The General’s Daughter” is a popcorn film, and defines everything bad about a popcorn film. Big name star, glossy quality, forced action, crowd pleasing wisecracks, horrible plot, awful ending, bore-a-thon 2000, etc. etc. etc.
    John Travolta plays John Travolta…I mean, some guy. I don’t remember his name, that’s how memorable the film was. He’s a detective at a military base in the heart of the south. A general’s daughter is murdered and he has to solve the murder with the help of Madeline Stowe who plays Madeline Stowe…I mean, some woman.   
    The film is based on a book by some dude Nelson Demille. He writes mysteries. Even at it’s barest essentials, this mystery sucks. Who killed the general’s daughter? Who cares? There is one suspect; James Woods who plays, okay the joke is over.
    Since there is only one suspect, who else could it be? I won’t spoil it, but I will tell you this, even if you aren’t disappointed in this God awful film, then you most definitely will be when they reveal the killer. You’ll be like, what? Come…on. The last good murder mystery was the slasher flick, “Scream”, and the killer in that was…killer.   
    When I pondered this film in my mind I was thinking of how many good scenes it had. Okay, none. Good song, “Carmina Burana”, but every damn movie uses that, so no points. Any semi-good scenes? No. Any bad scenes? Where do I start?
    The actual back story to this murder mystery is so bad it will make you write threats to the people that put this together. Maybe the novel was good if they had time to explain, but the story up there on the screen made me wish the general never had a daughter, John Travolta never became an actor, Simon West was still living at home with his mom and working at the local McDonald's, and the producers were like, “Um…I think we’ll pass.” If only I had a time machine. Now there’s a story. ½*

Review: I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

I STILL KNOW…THIS FRANCHISE SUCKS

 (reviewed on ppv Monday, June 14th, 1999)

    Jennifer Love Hewitt is back, cleavage and all, and so is the hook weilding maniac psycho who only knows one thing: revenge! He’s tortured her soul, killed her friends, and can’t wait to desembowel her and watch her scream! He is the insane fisherman! He is…BEN WILLIS!
    Pretty anti-climatic, right? That’s what I was thinking when in the original “I Know What You Did Last Summer”, they unmask the killer to find out it’s some old man who looks like a hermit. Yeah, Jason, Freddy, and Michael Myers had pretty dumb names too, but at least they wore masks and/or had knives for fingers. Ben Willis is just a dorky old senior citizen who looks about as scary as the local Police Chief in Any Town, USA.
    Other than that, the first film wasn’t half bad. It was entertaining, and with Sarah Michelle Gellar strutting around I at least had some eye candy to keep me busy. Plus, the ending was so cool when the killer jumps through that sauna mirror ready to slice-and-dice and then the credits hit the screen. Whoa…can’t fucking wait for the sequel.
    It’s with some deep regret that I knew the sequel, “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer”, would blow, because the climax of the first film was merely a dream. Come on! Why couldn’t you start the film off in the shower? You could have a massive, violent bloodbath/fight scene with Julie swinging shards of glass trying to stop the madman.
    I guess it made more ‘sense’ to whomever wrote this disaster of a script. Kevin Williamson wrote the first film’s script, and it was basic but it worked. It of course helped that it was based on a decent teen book. This new film was apparently based on some hack screenwriter’s bogus idea to put Hewitt on a deserted island in the middle of a tropical storm with Ben Willis.
    Where’s the next sequel’s setting going to be? On the moon? I can almost read the tag-line now: She was pushed so far…she had to escape to the most outer reaches of man…I STILL KNOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT I DID THREE SUMMERS AGO!
    Jennifer Love Hewitt is Julie James. Julie James is a college student living with Brandy. They win a radio promotion trip to some tropical island on the Fourth of July weekend. They have four tickets so Brandy gets her boyfriend and his friend to go. Brandy’s boy-toy is “Clockers” own Mekhi Phifer, the only good actor in the film. Maybe it helped that he didn’t grow up an actor or in Hollywood. He acts real, he acts smart, he acts like you and I would in this kind of situation (not that you and I would ever be stuck on an island being chased by a fisherman with a hook, but you get the idea).
    So the foursome go to this island in the middle of nowhere and find out that they are the only tourists on the island. There’s the hotel owner who happens to be a bastard, a stoner pool boy with dreadlocks, a Courtney Love looking bar keep, an old black dude who practices Voodoo, a Spanish maid, and another Hotel worker who ties the boats up at night. If you’re a rookie at slasher films, I’ll spell it out for you. These characters are nothing more than V-I-C-T-I-M-S.
    And so a big, bad, vicious storm brews onto the island and it’s survival of the…er…characters of the first film? I won’t ruin it for you, but I will heed you with these immortal words: the director of this made “Judge Dredd”! *

Review: THE SIEGE

SEARCH & DESTROY…THIS MOVIE

(reviewed on ppv Sunday, June 13th, 1999)

    If you’ve ever wondered what happened to the serious thriller, look no further than the duller than dull, sillier than silly, ridiculously bad “The Siege”.
    You would think by getting Denzel Washington and Bruce Willis together the script would have had to, at the very least, be acceptable. I couldn’t stomach that piece of shit if it was covered in chocolate sauce and topped with a maraschino cherry.
     The film pretends it’s smart because it deals with terrorists in a deadly serious manner. Big deal. The last major terrorist bombing in the U.S. was the Oklahoma City incident which didn’t even turn out to be a terrorist bombing, yet more or less that incident inspired this boring mess.
    Denzel Washington works for the F.B.I. His partner coincidentally happens to be Middle Eastern. Denzel gets a call about a bomb on a bus. If you haven’t seen the previews for this movie then you don’t know that the bus blows up. But seriously, if you’re watching this movie than you’ve heard about it more or less from the previews which gave away that the bus blows up. The previews don’t give away that a Broadway theater blows up, the F.B.I. building blows up, and a car warehouse blows up.
    The mediocre plot involves Denzel running around the city mad, then a big explosion rips apart something, then Denzel runs faster and madder, then a bigger explosion happens, then Denzel runs around even faster and much more mad, and then a really big explosion occurs, and then Denzel sprints around furious.
    Silly. Then the film has the audacity to turn Bruce Willis and the entire United States army into “the villain” instead of the immigrants going around doing the bombings.
    Come on.
    I remember when the film hit theaters it was a hot topic because all these people from the Middle East who now lived in the U.S. were pissed because the film portrayed them as being cliched terrorists. I’m sure the film’s producers were happy to get the extra publicity push. I honestly don’t agree with them hating the film because it portrayed their people as all being terrorists, I think they hated the film because it SUCKED.
    Denzel does his best, but Bruce Willis and Annette Benning walk around like robots in need of re-fueling. The plot gets even sillier towards the end when a stadium is turned into an…internment camp. Edward Zwick, you are a hack. You made “Glory”, good, pat on the back, then you made “Courage Under Fire”, one of the worst, most boring movies I’ve ever had to painfully sit through. Now this disaster.
    And to think, you had a writing credit on this.
    Pray to Allah, Zwick, because you better believe in reincarnation when you put that gun to your head. ½*

Review: AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME

MIKE MYERS SHAGS ‘EM ROTTEN…AGAIN

(reviewed at marple 10 Saturday, June 12th, 1999 with Jack)

    The original “Austin Powers” film was a major hit for one reason: It was funny. The good thing about it, though, was that it was one of the freshest breaths of air Hollywood received in years. It didn’t involve gangsters or bloodbaths or independent charm. It was about a swinging sixties oddity love machine, Austin Powers, and his nemesis Dr. Evil, one of the best villains ever. It was better than the other comedies out there because most of them relayed on relationships and/or same-old syndrome. “Austin Powers” showed up and not only made us laugh until it hurt, but was such an original film that we had to love it. It was great, it was new, it was something we’d never seen before. It was a wild ride.
    So now, what the hell do you do for a followup? 1999’s “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me” answers that question by more or less re-making the first film. Yes, with new gags and two new baddies, but for the most part, the sequel is the exact same film as the first one…but that isn’t exactly a bad thing. The sequel is hilarious, smart, ridiculous, and the key to a popcorn summer film that “The Phantom Menace” didn’t have: FUN.
    This time around, the plot is reversed as Austin Powers travels back to 1969 where Dr. Evil has stolen his “mojo”. What is a “mojo”? It’s not his cock, if that’s where you were going. It’s his sexual being, his entity, his “swingness”, his “shagadelic” personality. He can’t be Austin without it. He can’t shag like two crazed weasels without it. And he has Heather Fucking Graham staring at him with what the City Paper called a Fuck-Me look with those saucer blue eyes and flowing blonde hair and sexiness and she wants every inch of him…but he can’t divulge. Yeah…I’d want my mojo back too if Rollergirl was waiting for me.
    So Austin, with the help of Felicity Shagwell (Heather Graham) go out to destroy the evil Dr. once again.
    And once again…the most laughs come from the villain and his “circle”. This time around we are introduced to Dr. Evil’s newest recruit, a 1/8th version of himself, Mini-Me, and an obese Scottsman dubbed Fat Bastard.
    Even though this time around it’s more of the same, it’s definitely one of the funniest movies in years, and to give away any of the precious gags the previews have hid so well is to ruin the experience for anyone else. Go to the theater, and shag away, babee. **1/2

Review: HOMEFRIES

OVER  COOKED ‘HOME FRIES’
(reviewed on ppv on Thursday, June 3rd, 1999)

    If you have ever wondered who exactly wins those film festival screenplay contests, look no further than to Drew Barrymore and Luke Wilson’s latest about small time love and…Apache helicopters.
    The writer of this ridiculously insane script is X-Files scribe Vince Gilligan himself. Noted, he wrote some of the best episodes for Mulder and Scully, including ‘Small Potatoes’ and ‘Bad Blood’ (Blood starring Luke Wilson as a small town sheriff). Here though, he’s out of his league. Way out. So Vince? Stick to television.
    I’m not sure if I should even go into the mangled plot. Realistically, the only way this script ever won a contest is either because the other ones reallllly sucked, or they liked the originality in this. Luke Wilson and Jake Busey play army helicopter pilots who are involved with something bad in the opening. Accidentally, the headphones at a local burger joint pick up their transmission, so they have to go to the burger place and see if they know anything. They don’t. But Luke Wilson is forced by his big brother to get a job flipping burgers just in case.
    Drew Barrymore plays a pregnant worker who Luke eventually develops a relationship with. The rest of the film is…well I don’t want to give anything away. I will give this out: don’t watch this movie.
    Vince Gilligan- in ‘The X-Files’ anyway- writes weird but smart, funny, energetic, fun. Here it’s weird but stupid, ridiculous, not really fun, just silly.
    There are no laugh out loud scenes, no tender moments, no surprises that you care about…at all. I’m seriously wondering if Vince had a friend on that screen play contest board, and if so he may also be a big shot producer…because how in the hell did this shit get made? Maybe Drew Barrymore liked the script, and Luke Wilson showed up so he could have a little tete-a-tet with ol’ Drew, but seriously, do you think the execs at whatever studio greenlit this read the treatment and said, “Yes!” * (out of ****)

Review: THE IMPOSTERS

ART HOUSE POPCORN

(reviewed on video, Wednesday, May 26th, 1999)

    Most people know what a ‘popcorn’ film is. It’s the kind of summer film that provides mindless fun. Big stars, massive f/x, minimal plot. For me, the last really good popcorn film was “Jurassic Park”. The past few years popcorn films have really sucked (“Independence Day”, “Armageddon”, etc.). This is why the new Star Wars film seemed like a miracle. Back in ’77 “Star Wars” revolutionized the movie going experience. It created the summer popcorn flick. But it wasn’t just that…it was a smart popcorn flick. A fun popcorn film
    Everything went out the window when “The Phantom Menace” showed up. It didn’t just suck, it blew. It was awful. It was boring, dull, and lacked every good aspect the original trilogy held. With the bad-word-of-mouth popcorn flick, “Wild, Wild West”, looming in the distance, it seems like the good popcorn movie is long gone.
    Or is it?
    Stanley Tucci has written, directed, and starred in a fantastically fun art house popcorn film titled “The Impostors.”
    What a suitable title. It plays out like the definition of a popcorn film. It has twists and turns, laughs and suspense, action and sly wit. It’s a very fun film. I enjoyed myself while I watched “The Impostors”. The difference? It’s a small budgeted 30’s style comedy with no huge stars and no special effects.
    “The Impostors” is the first art house popcorn movie I’ve seen. I hope I don’t see the last.
    Tucci and Oliver Platt (“Bullworth”) play acting buddies who need work. They attempt to scam a bakery worker for free food but end up receiving free tickets to a New York Broadway rendition of Hamlet. The bad thing is the actor playing Hamlet is a hack. The worst.
    Eventually the acting pals are accused of attacking the hack actor and hide away in a crate on the docks. They awaken and find out they aren’t on the docks anymore, but on a cruise ship bound for Paris.
    The original title of the film was “Ship of Fools”. That was a much, much better title. Every character on the boat is either crazy or nuts. There are a variety of fools; two American spies pretending to be French, a suicidal singer whose name is Happy, and a crazy terrorist planning to blow up the ship.
    The stowaway actors eventually use their acting talents to attempt to thwart the enemies and save the day.
    Tucci is a vastly talented man. He co-wrote and directed the indie hit “Big Night”, which was interesting but lacked energy. “The Impostors” is full of life. It’s silly and off the wall and funny and entertaining and makes you truly enjoy film making. Yes, it gets a little full of itself towards the end, but it makes you believe again in the popcorn film. Fuck Lucas, praise Tucci. ***

Review: STAR WARS EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM MENACE

OBI-WAN KENBLOWME  

(reviewed at Marple 10 with Jack on opening day Wednesday, May 19th, 1999)

   There is no such thing as magic. Not now. Not anymore. Maybe once it exsisted. Back in ’77 when the original “Star Wars” hit there was magic in the air. Now, with dead teenagers strewn in war battered High Schools, with a president’s sex life on the public auction block, and with a god-awful new “Star Wars” film in theaters, the regular joe has nothing much to lift his spirits…expect…er…John Street actually beat negative campaigning.
    Talk about a bad start to summer. We were treated to that bad remake two weeks ago, “The Mummy”, now we have to contemplate all of this waiting with bated breath…for this.
    This being “Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace”, as if you’ve been hiding in your basement for the past few years. George Lucas’ return to the director’s chair after 22 looooooong years with his first of three prequels to the original thrillogy that takes place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
    The cast of characters include a young Obi Wan Kenobi, a very young Darth Vader, and some fresh faces; Queen Amidala played by that cutie from “The Professional”, Natalie Portman, Darth Sidious and Darth Maul, a CGI created clown creature named Jar-Jar Binks, and Jedi Knight Qui-Gonn Jinn.
    The backdrop deals with a planet called Naboo which is inhabited by underwater Gungans and normal white people in a city. Something about a sneaky trade organization threatening invasion kicks everything off. Obi and Qui show up to negotiate and eventually snag the queen and hit the sky to get the fuck outta dodge.
    They meet Darth Vader on the desert planet which was made memorable in the first “Star Wars”, Tatooine. He’s just a boy, but Qui sees great power in him.
    Cut to the chase: the ending involves the Gungan army versus the invading battle droids, Qui and Obi versus Sith lord Darth Maul, a horn headed, black and red face painted villain with a double sided light saber, and Darth Vader going into space and saving the day by accident.
    Maybe it sounded good on paper. I said maybe. The new Star Wars film is more of a mess than “The Mummy” was. It doesn’t have any oomph, any power, any excitement, any fun, any thrill. It’s a dull popcorn flick with the best special f/x I’ve ever seen and probably will ever see until Episode II: Balance of the Force. The music is fantastically awesome, too. John Williams is working at the top of his game.
    Why is it bad? It’s all effects and no heart. The characters are all lifeless. The villains seem to be villains just because. Everybody in it is a bad actor expect for Portman who without the queen makeup is acceptable. I guess the script’s horrible dialogue just couldn’t be read realistically. There’s no good action either. There’s the pod race which goes on for too long, and the ending which is way too silly thanks to kid-friendly Jar-Jar Binks. 
    The good aspects? Besides the music and f/x, there is truly one great scene I can think of. Classic “Star Wars”. Unadulterated. Pure evil. Fantastic.
    Darth Maul and Darth Sidious are standing on a balcony at night in a vast city. The view is spectacular. Just two guys in cloaks in the darkness, watching the normal people below, not knowing of the “phantom menace”. Maul turns towards us and reveals his painted face and evil eyes. He says to Sidious: “At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi.” Foreboding. Creepiness. Evil. Man, I wish Lucas could make a movie as good as I can write. *

Review: THE MUMMY

(reviewed at United Artists 17 on Delaware Avenue on Thursday, May 6th, 1999 w/ mom)

   Let’s re-make “The Godfather”, or how about “Braveheart” as a six hour CBS mini-series? Why not? These days nothing is sacred. Just last week I had the audacity to attend a preview screening for Universal’s newest remake, “The Mummy”. The good thing is that it’s far, far, far from Boris Karloff’s 1932 classic of the same name.
    Stephen Sommers wrote and directed this big budget mess. He’s also the brains behind the tongue-in-cheek sea monster flick “Deep Rising” which I, being a good film critic, didn’t see.
    He’s added his tonge-in-cheek dialogue and action/adventure plot to an ILM special f/x film with an $80+ million budget.
    You would think that that would be a recipe for success…right? Wrong. “The Mummy” should never have been remade. It’s bad enough they re-make TV shows like “Wild, Wild, West” just because they’re out of ideas, but “The Mummy”? Everyone knows the mummy. Everyone loves the mummy. Why did Universal have to come out with a major disaster to create new ideas in young kid’s minds, “The Mummy sucks.”
    Brendan Fraser is the Indiana Jones style good guy who is in the foreign legion. He shows up after the awful prologue takes place back in Ancient Egypt where an Egyptian is mummified alive and has a curse put on him.
    Fraser finds the city of dead and eventually ends up in prison where he is hung…or not. With his knowledge of the location of this city of the dead, he takes off on an epic journey with a brother/sister team and a fat Egyptian prison warden of sorts. Another group of dudes is also going to the city of the dead.
    Without giving anything away, they find it, release the mummy and his curse, and try to make things right through thousands of bullets and a few really silly special f/x.
    The one thing I really enjoyed in this film was the action. There wasn’t nary a dull moment. The searchers hop on a normal boat and all of a sudden there’s a massive gunfight and the boat explodes. The bad thing is the action turns incredibly ridiculous towards the end when more than one mummy shows up, especially when the army of mummies start marching around with their uniforms over their skeletal bodies and practically start bouncing off the walls.
    I realize the dialogue Sommers’ wrote pokes fun at itself, but the movie is really idiotic. It’s not a good movie, which is surprising when you figure in the great material you have here. The fucking mummy. You would think any movie involving the mummy would kick ass. Picture the catacombs. Picture an explorer alone in the catacombs. Picture an explorer alone in the dark catacombs when his flashlight has gone out. Picture an explorer alone in the dark catacombs and he hears a russling, something is coming after him, it’s the mother fucking mummy!
    Re-makes suck, and this film more than proves it. *1/2 (out of ****)

Review: DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS

‘DEAD MAN’ STINKS

(reviewed on ppv Wednesday night, April 28th, 1999)

    It seems only MTV could be behind a film like “Dead Man on Campus”, which infuses college and suicide in a hi-jinks filled comedy.
    The kid who played Zak in the sitcom "Saved By the Bell" and one of the kids from Tom Hank’s beat-generation film “That Thing You Do” star as college roommates freshman year at a fictional university. Both are opposites. The one has a full scholarship which he earned through studying hard in High School. The other roommate’s thoughts are summed up in a line he says about twenty minutes into the film, “Man, you actually studied in High School? I had a few friends who did that.”
    Eventually the studying nerd gives in to his once-in-a-lifetime college needs after he has sex with a beautiful blonde without even trying. Then it’s onto a life of booze, women, partying, and weed.
    If you’ve seen any previews for this film or even know the premise than I won’t be ruining it by saying the two roommates are going to fail the semester and get kicked out of school.
    They learn about an urban legend involving a roommate’s suicide. If your roommate commits suicide you automatically receive straight A’s. Of course they aren’t going to kill themselves, so they go around campus looking for someone suicidal who they can quickly move in before final exams.
    The plot is probably the best thing going for this film. The script however, doesn’t know what to do with the material. In the opening credits two guys were credited with the story and two were credited with the script. Somehow, both sets of ideas didn’t mesh. The film starts out stupid but entertaining and pretty funny for a bad film, but about halfway into it the director seemed to have given up on the film. Maybe he realized once the two guy’s figure out the suicidal roommate scheme, there really isn’t much left. Granted, the jokes about the three suicidal roommates’ they choose mostly all fall flat.
    The first guy they pick is a crazy frat boy who nobody likes. He’s into high speed chases with cops and throwing water balloons off of the frat house balcony. The next guy is a computer nerd who believes a conspiracy is hatching all around him that involves Bill Gates trying to kill him. The last roommate is a depressed rock singer.
    The basic thing about this film is that it probably shouldn’t have been made. The plot is pretty clever, but I doubt it could have ever worked as a feature film. It’s more a short story or short film product.
    The beginning is promising and there are some hearty laughs, but the stupidity factor overwhelms everything and the film goes nowhere fast. *1/2

Review: URBAN LEGEND

EVER HEAR THE ‘URBAN LEGEND’ ABOUT THE BAD MOVIE?

 (reviewed on ppv, Friday, April 23rd, 1999)

    I was watching a ‘featurette’ on the slasher flick, “Urban Legend”. It was a five minute commercial for the film with clips and interviews of the primary cast and director. The main actress played by some nobody redhead was talking about the director and she made this suck up comment: “He knows what works and what doesn’t.” Maybe the director, Jamie Blanks, does know what he’s doing on the set, but my question is this: if he knows what works and what doesn’t, why the fuck did he film THIS script? Because, to put it bluntly, it doesn’t work. At all.
    “Scream” revolutionized the teen horror/slasher genre. We all know that. And we all know that a ton of crappy wannabe’s have come out ever since. “Urban Legend” could be the worst (I still haven’t seen “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer”).
    The somewhat clever premise involves an urban legend serial killer. He does the guy in the backseat of the car, he does the hanging boyfriend on the roof of the car, he does the dog in the microwave, etc.
    The only real reason I can gather as to why they even used the urban legend element was because they had to be different. You really can’t come out with a new slasher film if it doesn’t at least try to be different. “Urban Legend” probably tried to be clever with the first draft of the script, but what I witnessed on screen was absolute horror. Meaning I was shocked, terrified, apalled…that this film was green lit.
    The film starts with a group of college chums hearing about a fellow student who was beheaded in her car after the killer hid in the backseat with an ax. Eventually more murders occur, each one closer to the group of pals.
    Then of course the big climax when the killer is revealed to be…oh shut up I’m not going to spoil this bad film.
    All in all the film is watchable…but it really has no redeeming value whatsoever. After “Scream” hit, all of these wannabes showed up and failed…miserably. It’s because they all sucked. The only difference between “Urban Legend” and the crappy Friday the 13th sequels is a bigger budget and glossier 90’s feel.
    Even though the first film used every urban legend I’ve heard of, they green lit a sequel, “Urban Legend 2”. Let’s hope it’s something the first film wasn’t: a good movie. *1/2 (out of ****)

Review: RONIN

‘RONIN’ IS JAPANESE FOR “THIS SUCKS”

(reviewed on ppv Tuesday, April 20th, colorado carnage, 1999)

    “Ronin” hit theaters with a thud last September. The public held a lukewarm reaction to the film, so in turn it didn’t make a lot of money. While it wasn’t earning it’s potential at the box office the critics mostly loved it. Why? Well, for starters, it plays out like a smart action picture, along the lines of the supposed classic 70’s flicks a la “The French Connection”.
    For my money, “Ronin” is about as smart as Howie Long’s classic fireman epic, “Firestorm”. “Ronin” disguises itself as an intriguing, suspensful action picture. To prove this point even further the setting is overseas and a few snippets of dialogue are in subtitles. The studio purposefully made the picture to be a smart caper. Now tell me this? How smart of a climax can you get? A famous German ice skater is performing for a packed audience while a gunman has his sights on her. I thought I had inadvertantly changed the channel to USA where Van Damme’s “Sudden Death” was on.
    Robert Deniro plays…Robert Deniro. I mean Sam, a tough-as-nails bullshitter who carries with him a very mysterious past (which we never learn about so it’s about as mysterious as you want it to be). Sam and a crew of semi-mercenaries have been hired by the chick from “The Truman Show” (the one who moved to Fiji) who boasts a ridiculous Irish accent. This crew assemble in France and are paid to complete a job. The job? To get a briefcase. What’s in the briefcase? Go rent “Pulp Fiction”.
    While “Ronin” does feature a few good action sequences, including the mother of all car chases, there just isn’t enough meat in the plot. All of the characters are lifeless, especially Deniro who has played himself in every movie he’s every made (even when he was a fat ass in “Raging Bull” he was playing himself). If you’ve seen the movie “Heat” than there’s really no reason to see “Ronin”. Take out Val Kilmer and add Jean Reno, take out L.A. and add Paris, take out an awesome shootout and add an awesome car chase and you’ve got “Ronin”.
    The problem with “Ronin” is that it’s trying way too hard to be something it isn’t. It’s not a suspensful masterpiece. Oh wow, we don’t know what’s in the briefcase, ****-star masterpiece! Fuck that shit, the climax of this film is about on par with any given Steven Segal film. The script is loose at best, only creating an uneven plot so they can have more car chases. And there’s a scene where an older man is telling Deniro, I mean Sam, about Ronin, the masterless samurai. He says that all of the Ronin committed suicide by disembolwing themselves with their swords instead of some sort of bad circumstance that awaited them. I proclaimed that if the ending had Deniro disemboweling himself instead of getting caught I would give the film 4 stars. **

Review: ROUNDERS

JOHN DAHL DEALS A LOSING HAND

(reviewed on ppv Sunday, April 11th, 1999)

    Remember “Red Rock West”? That movie truly rocked. It went straight to cable no less, but starred Nicholas Cage, Dennis Hopper, J.T. Walsh, and Lara Flynn Boyle. It was co-written and directed by John Dahl. It was the best of the so-called modern film noir flicks, even besting that lousy “Chinatown” in my humbly sober oppinion.
    Dahl went on to make the critic fave “The Last Seduction” which just didn’t do much for me except for a great appreciation for the female form in action. Then Dahl lost his entire reputation with the terribly awful “Unforgettable” with Ray Liotta. It was so bad Dahl seemed to have jumped off a bridge.
    Years later he would return after striking a lucrative deal with indi giant Miramax. Dahl gets to direct his new film he also co-wrote for Miramax. The catch? He has to direct a little card movie starring Matt Damon and Edward Norton. Since this is Miramax we’re talking about, let’s throw in John Turturro, Famke Jansen and Martin Landau for no good reason. And Gretchen Mol is beautiful so they pump her up as a star and she’s in the movie for maybe FIVE SECONDS.
    I didn’t hate the film. The script is very smart and it’s a very watchable film, unfortunately Miramax didn’t nurture it like they probably nurtured some of their better films. “Rounders” had potential. Towards the end it falls apart so hard that you realize you don’t give a shit about anyone in the film and all the characters you thought were decent turn out to be made of cardboard.
    Damon is a regular college guy who knows about the underworld of cards. He doesn’t play by luck, he plays by skill. Once upon a time he showed up with a boat load of confidence to this Russian dude’s (John Malkovich) lair and lost 31 grand. The film picks up a few years  later after he quit playing cards. His card playing pal from before (Edward Norton, the best thing about the flick) is out of prison and needs to pay a few old debts so he enlists Damon’s help to get him into some swank card playing hangouts.
    Eventually Damon turns to the dark side and they start playing for a hefty debt or they’ll probably be killed.
    The two clowns who wrote this script had a lot of great ideas. They apparently were card players themselves, and it shows. The movie is really cool dealing with the “smarts” of poker. Apparently Dahl made a lot of hoopla in his style of shooting the film without ever showing anyone else’s hands. I honestly watched the whole film and didn’t notice.
    “Rounders” is light fluff, with a ton of ideas and good actors totally wasted. It starts off good but falls apart like a bad hand. I guess Dahl was full throttle into his “real” feature. Let’s hope that’s much better. **